I had a talk with Charlie about cleaning up.  It’s not THE TALK I want to have, but it’s an urgent one.  I told him my life is pretty awful, right now, and I don’t think I’m gonna get any better until we make this change.  I’m in terrible shape, physically, and emotionally, and I know that if we kick, everything will start to get better, and easier.  Okay, so, maybe not easier, in that not using won’t be remotely easy, but all other areas of my life will get more manageable.  I need to throw myself headlong into other things.  My play, my art…  cooking (I love to eat, and to cook, under the right circumstances), and gettin my apartment in order.  He told me he loved me a couple times today.  I was violently ill at the time, and he was taking care of me.  I know he still loves me.  I haven’t been as hopeful about us as I am right now, in a while.  He really seems to be warming up to me, and he says he wants to clean up, very badly.  We’ll see how this goes.  It’s not gonna be easy, but I can do it.  I’ve done it before, and I can do it, again.  Only, this time…  hopefully…  it’ll be for keeps. 

And, I hope the same holds true for my marriage.  I love him and want him so much.  I know he’s still reeling from the thought of what I did, a month ago, and that he can’t see past that, yet.  I don’t want to rush him, and fuck it up.  But, it’s so hard not to reach for the one you adore when you want them so much, and they’re so close by – you could reach out and touch them, but you know you can’t.  So, you sit still, and bide your time, and try to snake your way back into the heart and pants you love.  Why can’t love be straightforward?  Why do men and women have all this uncommunicated nonsense between them?  How does anyone ever get anything figured out?

I miss my friend Quinn.  It hurts, but if staying away from him helps give my marriage a fighting chance…  what else can I do?  I wish I could have him back in my life.  I want that so much, but…  there’s something that means more, right now.  And, I can’t let that slip away, too.  We’ve all lost enough.

 

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