Sometimes I think that if god really loved me and cared for me then I wouldn't have to feel this way. I'm so lost that I don't even have the mental capacity to form a plan for tomorrow. My mother is mad at me because I admitted I was not graduating in may, and she's so intent on guilting me into being who she wants me to be that she tries (and usually succeeds) to guilt me into doing what they think I should do . . . . . . . . "what you're supposed to do" according to them. I'm so sick of trying and failing to live up to their expectations. I know I should attend this semester, but I think it would be foolish to start a semester when I can't even function normally. I don't want to tell her though, it would just cause a scene full of more anger and dissappointment.They'll call me tomorrow and want to know what I've accomplished that day, and then when I tell them they'll want to know if I've taken my meds. God I hate that question. Its like the meds are supposed to keep me in a constant state of euphoria. I know life isn't always happy, but why is it I can't succeed at the things that matter to the people I love? I always feel like such a burden, and I'm constantly aware of how much easier life would be for them if I had never existed. I can't even kill myself because it would just be the final dissappointment to them.

I woke up today and my dad was already yelling at me because I slept past 8am. I just wanted to cry, but couldn't because my dad was there and its always worse if I let him see me cry. I really wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  I'm so angry with god because he kept me alive to endure another day of this. I'm currently trying to distract myself in the usual way, but its in the back of my mind and it's like a giant black hole sucking all the brightness out of my universe.  I wish so much to be someone else. I hate being me! I'm so tired of living my life. Is it even worth it to stay alive when you know its never gonna get better?


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