So, I think gray is appropriate, it suits my mood. It is hot and humid here in Upstate New York and its only going to be hotter tomorrow. I hate the super heat…not sure I could ever move down south too hot…I would miss the harsh bleakness of winter. Like I have said in previous blogs I have been feeling better. A lot better. Then the last few days come along…maybe like 5 or 6 days…I have been really low…and everyday is a little bit worse than the day before. I have definitely felt worse, but I feel pretty bad. I feel as though I am a zombie as I type this. In this fog…unable to think clearly…losing my thoughts as I try to talk to people. What is going on here. I was feeling better damn it. I am really like walking wounded…and the wounds just will not heal. They are always there…the darkness, the fear that I try so hard to control is always there…always has been, as far back as I can remember. How do I fix this? How do I stop this forever? I start to feel hopefull and then the deep sadness comes back. Lonliness just washed over me yesterday so today I tried to go out and spend some time with a friend and couldn't even follow the conversation. When am I going to get a handle on this…get a handle on myself? I guess I feel a little frustrated…but I am also very much feeling apathetic…like, whatever, here we go again. As I cancelled plans with some friends over the past weekend I am sure they were thinking the same thing…Here we go again. I trust nothing anymore…nothing. I feel no comfort anywhere…no solace.