So, I think gray is appropriate, it suits my mood.  It is hot and humid here in Upstate New York and its only going to be hotter tomorrow.  I hate the super heat…not sure I could ever move down south too hot…I would miss the harsh bleakness of winter.  Like I have said in previous blogs I have been feeling better.  A lot better.  Then the last few days come along…maybe like 5 or 6 days…I have been really low…and everyday is a little bit worse than the day before.  I have definitely felt worse, but I feel pretty bad.  I feel as though I am a zombie as I type this.  In this fog…unable to think clearly…losing my thoughts as I try to talk to people.  What is going on here.  I was feeling better damn it.  I am really like walking wounded…and the wounds just will not heal.  They are always there…the darkness, the fear that I try so hard to control is always there…always has been, as far back as I can remember.  How do I fix this?  How do I stop this forever?  I start to feel hopefull and then the deep sadness comes back.  Lonliness just washed over me yesterday so today I tried to go out and spend some time with a friend and couldn't even follow the conversation.  When am I going to get a handle on this…get a handle on myself?  I guess I feel a little frustrated…but I am also very much feeling apathetic…like, whatever, here we go again.  As I cancelled plans with some friends over the past weekend I am sure they were thinking the same thing…Here we go again.  I trust nothing anymore…nothing.  I feel no comfort anywhere…no solace.


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