The van is packed up…really full. Most of my things are gone. Tommorrow at 9 am I leave with my parents to go back to college after dropping out last semester due to depression and a bunch of mean girls I thought were my friends.

I’m excited, but I’m nervous, I’m not sure how to approach things with people who, in the past have wronged me, but have sort of repented. I haven’t seen them all in over six months, I’m not living with them. I don’t know how to approach them, how not to become scorned again. That is my only stress.

I concentrate most on my apartment, my roommates, how everything there fits in. I don’t know them, but it is my dream apartment. My sister was saying she wanted to come visit(party) and I said vaguely that I needed to see how things with people were. She shrugged and said, make new friends, but I’m a junior, and shy, and awkward. I make friends with people that don’t intimidate me but have nothing in common with me which leaves me unhappy.

I think about it and I wonder, will I be alone this semester? This year? Will "friends" of the past….who I haven’t seen in forever, still want me? Do I still want them? I don’t have a choice, I don’t have anyone else. Part of me invisions myself, all alone on a saturday night in my room. Maybe if things are awful I can just dissappear, fade into the scenery of college and be a nobody. I wouldn’t be happy, by no means, but I would be….safe for the time being from the judgement and the mean-ness….I don’t want that, but….

I just want to live again, live like I used to. I don’t want to dissapoint my mom. She found me in the attic crying today as I was vacantly looking for things for the apartment. I don’t want to be the complicated child, the one that can’t finish college without dropping out, then going out and then transfering/dropping out. I want things to be okay, I want reassurance, but there really isn’t any till I get there tommorrow….wish me luck

  1. NikkiMarie 13 years ago

    Good luck. I”m sure after you get there and get settled things will turn out alright. Things always seem to work themselves out and I”m sure there is somebody at college who is looking for a friend just like you are. 🙂

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  2. Baggs 13 years ago

    Good luck

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