The van is packed up…really full. Most of my things are gone. Tommorrow at 9 am I leave with my parents to go back to college after dropping out last semester due to depression and a bunch of mean girls I thought were my friends.
I’m excited, but I’m nervous, I’m not sure how to approach things with people who, in the past have wronged me, but have sort of repented. I haven’t seen them all in over six months, I’m not living with them. I don’t know how to approach them, how not to become scorned again. That is my only stress.
I concentrate most on my apartment, my roommates, how everything there fits in. I don’t know them, but it is my dream apartment. My sister was saying she wanted to come visit(party) and I said vaguely that I needed to see how things with people were. She shrugged and said, make new friends, but I’m a junior, and shy, and awkward. I make friends with people that don’t intimidate me but have nothing in common with me which leaves me unhappy.
I think about it and I wonder, will I be alone this semester? This year? Will "friends" of the past….who I haven’t seen in forever, still want me? Do I still want them? I don’t have a choice, I don’t have anyone else. Part of me invisions myself, all alone on a saturday night in my room. Maybe if things are awful I can just dissappear, fade into the scenery of college and be a nobody. I wouldn’t be happy, by no means, but I would be….safe for the time being from the judgement and the mean-ness….I don’t want that, but….
I just want to live again, live like I used to. I don’t want to dissapoint my mom. She found me in the attic crying today as I was vacantly looking for things for the apartment. I don’t want to be the complicated child, the one that can’t finish college without dropping out, then going out and then transfering/dropping out. I want things to be okay, I want reassurance, but there really isn’t any till I get there tommorrow….wish me luck