So I had a question for one of my old psych professors who I respect a lot. He\'s very easy going and encourages students to seek knowledge long after we\'ve been his student (I have been out of his class for 3 years and out of college for 2 and he still answers my questions or helps me find answers). I have always kept my questions either hypothetical or if I did admit it was about me, I usually made it something broad that could be applied to less scary topics (for example, instead of talking about being raped, I would talk about physical conflicts). Unfortunately, my downfall today was that the question I had about a response I have in physical conflicts turned out to be something only studied in rape victims. I freaked at the thought of him finding out, not that I think he would have responded badly, I even think he might want to be helpful, but it would have changed the dynamic of the relationship I have with him as teacher/student and I don\'t want that. I spent forever trying to think of a way to steer the conversation back to a more general physical conflict issue. I did successfully by stating that the studies are fairly new and maybe as new studies arose it would be applied to a broader set of issues. 

I don\'t know why it is so important to me to keep this to myself. Even people I know will understand and even be helpful I can\'t bear to let them know because of how it might change the relationship I have with them. I can share openly on here because no one here knows who I am outside of this site and so I feel safer. My best friend knows but only because he was there when I came back home crying because of it and my more-than-friend-but-not-quite-boyfriend (it\'s complicated to say the least) knows because he asked outright and I couldn\'t lie to him. I know my mom has been through rape before, but I can\'t bear to tell her, I know my dad has worked with rape victims before, but I couldn\'t tell him either. I have so many friends who would be helpful but I can\'t bring myself to tell them. Even when I was paying to see a psychologist, I could tell them that I was raped but it took a lot of effort to open up that much and I would shut down if they wanted to know any more. I\'m not saying I want to get to a point where I\'m able to say it to everyone, like "Hi, my name is_____, I was raped" but I wish I didn\'t feel like it had to be some big secret. Why, if it isn\'t the victim\'s fault, is there so much shame in talking about being raped?


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