I haven’t managed to get started on my recovery plan so far this year. Without whinging too much about my famous procrastination, it has got to the point that I am anxious and irritable about everything – all because I can’t move forward in even the simplest ways. For example my post from before Xmas is still unopened and none of the appointments for this year have been made. I am afraid that I won’t be able to cope with the fall out of my arrangements and I have been self harming to try to get a handle on the fear…  I wish I was normal but hey I’m not and very soon my lack of action will start having consequences. So today I thought I would at least logon to my lap top and check emails as a forerunner to the more formal written mail but when I did I noticed he was engrossed in a sexual role playing model type game – now there’s nothing wrong with him downloading any adult content he likes but I still feel kinda sick especially since he’s still at it with headphones on now thank god after at least 6 hours straight… Seeing  cartoonish women having sex acts performed on them at the click of a mouse has really triggered me and my previous history keeps going through my mind. It’s not so easy to ignore as we live in a caravan and I can hear and feel him moving around even if the moans are kept within the headphones. What I see as a trigger to past abuse he sees as an interesting development in such games. I’m so disappointed in him – not the activity but his lack of understanding for me… it’s the middle of the night so I just have to wait it out. I really can’t see this ending well but feel a bit better for sharing my silly story.

1 Comment
  1. condemned 2 months ago

    I am sensitive to my surroundings, and when things are just too uncomfortable or chaotic to be able to focus on planning the days, weeks and months ahead, it is awful. I call it “environmental hostility” when your life’s circumstances are making things difficult. A vicious cycle begins where life keeps preventing you from thinking clearly about how to improve your life at a basic level.

    For me, sometimes I find that by leaving the area and going somewhere like a library or even a seat in a transit station with some paper, a planner and a phone to make appointments is the only way to start to get a grip on my priorities — usually being about eliminating environmental hostility so I can be more in control and have less stress.

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