So I got asked the question. Do I like myself?

 

I believe that we should all love ourselves but that is easier said then done isn’t it.

 

Me I like myself… notice the two different words; like and love. I LIKE myself; it was difficult to get to this stage but I have learnt that to be at one with who I am, that is quite important.

 

Yes at the beginning I hated me. I hated the way I thought and the way I was. I hated the way I didn’t want to be in my own body but, I hated myself when my suicide attempts all failed.

 

I don’t practise a religion but I believe that there is a god and I believe that he gave us our lives and bodies to look after. It has taken me a long time but I have learnt to look after my own body. Yes there are times when I fall and abuse myself, but they are becoming few and far between. And it will for all of you.

 

As a struggling survivor from abuse I know that guilt and blame hits everybody whether you have been abused sexually, physically or mentally. I know that even the survivors who haven’t been abused suffer from guilt and the guilt can eat away at you. But what are we guilty for?

 

I feel guilty for allowing it happen to me in the first place, I feel guilty for not saying anything when I was younger, I feel guilty for telling people now, I feel guilty for asking for help and I feel guilty for making a big deal out of something that maybe isn’t important.

 

But it IS important, it wasn’t us and we should all know that we aren’t the ones who should be feeling guilty. We are the survivors and we are going through the struggle that someone else has put there. The abusers are guilty and they always will be.

 

It has taken ages for me to think that, but why? Even at the start when I was with my counsellor and physcotherapist I said these things, I said I didn’t blame me and I said that I hated the abuser. But I never believed myself. There was never a switch tht turned on in the back of my head and changed the way I thought… it happened gradually, every day I liked myself a little more. And even now some days I wake up and I don’t want to be here, but I have to push myself… I have to remind myself that everything I am feeling is normal… that everything WE are feeling is normal. And WE are not alone. It is not our fault.

 

So I think it does take time but soon we will all learn to love ourselves. We all deserve to be happy, we all deserve to wake up in the morning and appreciate where we are. I’m still trying to get there… but there are days when I see it and there will be days when you will too.