So in update to my previous blog, I'm not relying on drugs for escapism, so that's good. That's not to say I'm not getting high at all, but it's my usual recreational and medicinal behavior (it helps with my Crohn's symptoms). I am, however, drifting more into fantasy. I don't like my current reality…physically I don't feel good, even though I have slow improvements, the prednisone I have to take to get my Crohn's flare under control is giving me mood swings and other annoying side effects, and I really don't like my job anymore. Seriously. Plus I can't keep up with it physically. I'm just hanging on for now.
So it's work hours that I most want to escape. The phone comes out when I get a spare moment. On the other hand, that's what's been getting me through the day this week. It's how I'm coping. It's a struggle to get myself to come to work, but I know staying home isn't really going to improve anything for me, and there's a good chance that the next day I'm going back will bring some anxiety with it, making it that much harder.
Somewhat paradoxically, I don't want to really see or interact with people, which is part of why I don't want to be at work (a small part of it arguably), but at the same time, I do want to connect, and my phone allows me to connect with people through text and other messaging, which does something for me…at the very least, a distraction from how I feel. So I'm simultaneously trying to avoid people and connect with people.
I'm very low in mood currently. I use the website moodscope to score and track my mood, and I'm at the bottom of my scores since I started using it in the fall. I've been lower before, but it's been about a year, so I don't have that recorded on the site.
I'm somewhat concerned about the fact that I'm relying more on my phone to connect with people during work hours…mood-wise, it's not a good sign, but at the same time, I know it's at least partially due to circumstances. And if it's just a temporary way to cope…a little less than 2 months to go, and it may improve sooner…is it so bad? I'm not even that worried about getting in trouble for it, just what it means for me.