Maybe I should just write on a site where no one will see my entries. It's not like anyone cares or could help me anyway. I've been unhappy for at least ten years, probably longer. Childhood is supposed to be fun and carefree, to a certain extent I guess. I don't think I had much of that. All I remember is a child who had a smart mouth and one who feared everything.
I should really stop praying and wishing for things to get better. I doubt after ten years anything will change. Maybe the stupid counselor at my school is right, I do haveDysthymia, if I understand it's meaning. Webmd says 2 or more years with symptoms. Well multiply that by five and you'd have it correct.
So the idiot who told me to drop out of school sounds like she isn't a total ditz. I guess I shouldn't bad mouth her so much. She is one of the few at my school that will listen to me–to an extent. Everyone else would send me to the counselor's department. I guess no where accepts those who are in constant emotional pain, except behavioral hospitals and places of that nature.
I'm beginning to wish I was dead, gone, or whatever word would mean NOT HERE!!!!
Even as I look at Ellie–brother's dog–I feel increased envy. I look at my pets and think "why did I subject them to a life such as mine?" How selfish of me. Nearly every pet we have is because of my selfishness. Sophie is probably the only one I didn't beg for. My dad brought her home from his school where she was abandoned.
I realize my medications are probably not working but I'm so sick of the roller coaster that I don't give a f*** anymore. I want to die!! I would give anything to just not breath anymore.


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