I've never really been one for blogging, or understood it,but i've been told it helps, especially if I am blogging to people who could understand. So here goes I guess…
I went to the doctors today, and they said there was nothing physicallywrong with me. I refuse to believe it, there has to be something – Anything. I've lost everything I once strove for. I can't be bothered to move from the sofa, i can't be bothered to clean. I can barely muster up the effort to blink. I have no energy, no will to move, to see, to listen – Nothing. I hate it. I feel so useless, pointless. But the thing is, I want to do these things. I WANT to do well in my education. I WANT to clean and cook. I WANT to have fun and involve myself with my friends. But it's finally becoming a case ofI CAN'T. It kills me inside when i concentrate so hard on moving, but in the end my body doesn't find the physical strength to do so.
I've stopped eating again. I can;t muster up the energy to get up and make/find it, when i finally do my hunger diminishes and I find myself repulsed by the food. But some days, I cant seem to eat enough, no amount of food will satisfy my stomach.
My sleeping is mucked up too. I sleep through everything – even my six alarms, making me late for class and work. But even though i sleep so much, I never feel the benefit. Not once have i woken up to feel refreshed and rested, which makes my day sluggish and difficult to cope with. All I want to do is sit and do nothing – feel nothing. I once spent four hours just sat unmoving staring at the same spot. It was horrible. I need to do thngs though, but knowing i need to still doesn't drive me to get up and do it. I have no sense of purpose or direction, not even a sense of time. I can feel myself wasting away and i can do nothing about it.
It makes me cry, but i have no energy to feel the emotions, and tears never fall from my dry eyes. I feel them inside though, and it makes me physically sick every time. I try so hard to cry, but my eyes, that once shone with emotions, glaze over and betray me. I literally am nothing.
The urges to self harm are back. m fighting them as much as i can, but it hurts me even more to do so. I know it upsets everyone around me, so I don't do it. But i'm pushing everyone close to me away now – why should they suffer just because I am? I don't want to do it, they mean so much to me – but i can't help it.
I just want to run away from it all. Go far away and start again. I thought i dd that – my life was going so well untl i started feeling like this. It's not a foreign feeling. I've felt it so many times in the last four years, but never have they stayed this long or been this severe. What if it never goes away this time? I know what my answer would be, but no one wants to hear it.
The only thing the doctor could diagnose me with was DEPRESSION. I hope not. I'm just so scared…