Well everyone, again, I'm sure you're all shocked that I'm not writing a blog about how I think my fiance is leaving me (although TRUST me its in the back of my mind right now).

Anyway, I can't stop obsessing over what the hell is going to happen to me right now. I got a Bachelors in Fine Art Degree and I graduated six months ago and ofcourse those loan douches are already harassing me to pay them and I have NO MONEY, and to make matters worse, my parents have no money (atleast thats what they tell me). They refuse to help me with paying off my loans, even if its only for a few months. Right now my loans from Citi Bank are 70 bucks, and my parents refused to help me with even paying that. I ended up asking Eric, my fiance to help me out and ofcourse he did, but he was just so pissed off that my parents have sort of dropped me off at the curb, especially because we're living with my father right now, so its not like I'm not around and he could forget about me.

Eric wants me to do my art and work on my indendant projects, but the problem is, (I don't know if anyone else has this issue when trying to do any work), I CAN'T WORK WHEN I'M DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS and ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN I'M OBSESSING…now, not only am I obsessing about Eric leaving me or wanting to leave me, but now I'm obsessing about money becuase my parents are telling me that they can't even pay for my doctors visists anymore, which I NEED. Every time I see my shrink its 40 bucks, then to see my psychyatrist, its another 40 bucks, then the medication. I was doing a part time after school teaching job and I was able to cover atleast my gas money and sometimes my doctors visits, but now I have these loans I have to pay off. I'm looking for teaching jobs and Eric is telling me that if I become an art teacher, I'll forget about what I really want to do, which is to just do my art and make my living that way…but like I mentioned in my last blog, I'm home alone all day every day, by myself and its a fight to make myself wake up in the morning because I'm too afraid to face the day. I HATE being at home all the time by myself, all I do is ruminate, obsess, cry, cry, and cry some more until Eric gets home and then I try to put on a normal face and act like I had a good, productive day. I can't work this way and I feel defeated because I went to school to become an illustrator, but one, it takes a lot of time to build up a reputation in order to get publishers to buy your stuff and second of all, I don't have that time, I have expenses NOW…not to mention that I am engaged and would like to be able to plan a wedding one day- unless Eric and I split, (I have to say that-compulsion). I applied to a few schools that are for kids with mental and developmental disorders becuase I feel like I want to work with other people like us, and maybe get into art therapy…but I don't know. What if I just become a teacher and forget to become an artist? What if I'm making a mistake looking for a job? What if I'm giving up because I'm pathetic and not strong or brave enought to do what I want? I'm 24 and ashamed of myself…I should be established by now and know what I want and I have no clue, except that I love art…and I'm too depressed and screwed up right now to produce ANYTHING…I HATE that feeling….what if…what do it do