I am feeling a bit uncertain. Hopeful, because I'm finally reaching out and figuring out what's been going on with me all these years, yet this weird doubtfulness at the same time.
I'm questioning myself, asking if I'm exaggerating my symptoms. What if my definitions of "all the time", "can't stop", "over and over again" are much different from someone else's? Perhaps this is why I hesitated for so long to get help of any kind (as I mentioned on the forum); I always thought by saying I had a problem I would be downplaying what those who "really" have OCD go through.
I am always wondering if my feelings are real or if it's the over-dramatic writer in me making mefeel certain things in situations. But my rationaletells me that that doesn'teven make sense.Yet it's also my rationale that tells me I should be able to control my feelings because anxiety and panic (was that redundant?) are completely useless. Sorrow makes sense, love makes sense, angercanmake sense…and all of these can have a useful place. But anxiety is utterly useless. It doesn't help youaccomplish anything. In fact,it paralyzes you and stops you from gettinganything done. But I, perhaps more than many other people,cannot for the life of mestop myself frompanicking oversome of the smallest things.
I have been deathly afraid of bees, wasps, hornets–all those little guys–since I was a pretty young kid. I don't know why! Yes, it hurtslike you wouldn't believewhen they first sting you (especially a yellow jacket!), but it never takes more than an hour for it tostop hurting all together. So why do I panic?! I don't know! I mean really, bigwhup, I've felt much worse pain than that!
I just remembered what I first started talking about in thisblog (my ADHD and lack of sleep at work).
This is normal? (I mean, among those who have OCD.) To always be downplaying your own feelings, compulsions, emotions, thoughts? I don't do it because I don't think that my own compulsions aren't legitimate or significant in some way, but because I am constantly thinking that to make a big deal of them would somehow be an insult to those who are truly suffering. Ialways think that somehow because I have my rationale that I can handleit, I guess. Not becauseI'm so strong, but because I don't want to botherother people.
I couldn'teven tell you howearly on Iever struggled with any kind of depression because I brushed it off using the"rationale" that I just spokeof. I knew what my sisters and mother had been going through with depression and I neverwanted to downplay whatthey went through.
While there is always a goodpoint to be made in recognizing that there's alwayssomeone worse off than you, there comes apoint when you need to recognize your own sufferings as being just as much inneed of help as theirs.
My OCD is so ingrained inside of me and insidious that I’ve pretty much questioned everything at one time or another, including whether I even have OCD. And I also feel guilty sometimes for having so many “issues.” I can’t understand why I’m so “messed up”. I’ve never been abused, homeless, went without food, had a horrible illness, was a victim of a crime, or something like that, and my heart goes out to those people who have suffered those things.
But I just have to keep reminding myself that I have a legitimate problem, it’s just as serious as any physical condition, and I deserve to get help. Even if there seems to be no “cause” for my problem. I have to keep reminding myself that we all have problems, and we shouldn’t debate which of us “has it worse.”
Please don’t feel guilty for addressing your problems and getting help. It’s not in any way downplaying others with OCD.
Your last statement said it best: While there is always a good point to be made in recognizing that there’s always someone worse off than you, there comes a point when you need to recognize your own sufferings as being just as much in need of help as theirs.
@fallingangel–I have felt that so many times! I had no clue it had anything to do with OCD. I've wondered why I'm so messed up, why I can't be productive. Like you, I've wondered a lot because I haven't had anything majorly traumatic happen to me (until recently when I had several pets die all in this one year, including the kitty I'd had since I was 12, as well as a good friend from church). I've been very blessed–never even lost a grandparent 'til 2008 when I was 20–I still have the other three. My parents are together…. I just shouldn't have so many issues, it seems.
I'm still struggling. It seems the more I learn about OCD, the more I question if I have it even as I find my symptoms are consistent. The irony is actually kind of amusing–taking hours and hours taking online tests to see if I might have OCD and not being able to stop. Hmm, what do you think?! *rolling eyes at myself*
@ tiger95–Thank you for the encouragement! 🙂
yeah don't worry about it i doubt pretty much everything. i even have trouble with math tests because i start doubting my methods of doing it, what if its this? or what if its this? lol even when just before the exam i knew exactly how to do it .
about the doubting whether you have ocd or not, i get that too. i think its just normal. when i feel really down and i'm really bad i think wow i need help. but other times i just think am i exagerating? until i get really bad again and decide that i'm not. even if someone thinks its possible they might not have it it's worth looking into if it can help. and if it turns out they havent got it then great. if they have then they can get the help they need.