It seems a strange paradox, but if it’s possible to be an unreserved introvert, that’s me. I have no problems spilling my guts, whether it’s to my psychiatrist, my herd of doctors, my parents, or complete strangers. But then I usually disappear for a while. It’s not that I’m mortified by sharing my secrets; it’s just that in the time I manage to spend talking to someone, the anxiety about being in the same room with them has managed to creep up steadily, and I need to get away. It’s like crying for help and then being forced to run away from your would-be rescuers–because even the smallest kind word is…well, there’s nothing small about it.

 

I’ve been very sick all year, suffering from Lyme disease, a shoulder surgery, Ehrlichiosis, and, not surprisingly, depression and anxiety. I have a seizure disorder which causes frightening hallucinations, PTSD, and other issues. So, the new medication I’ve been prescribed for my OCD makes 11 pills in the evening and 7 in the daytime. My body is pretty unbalanced by these drugs, I think, which might account for something that happened last night.

 

I woke up at 3 a.m. and suddenly, it felt as if all the pain of the world was mine. I couldn’t stop thinking about hunger, murder, rape, heartbreak, sickness, homelessness, any of it. I cried and cried, screaming into my pillow until 4:30, when I lost my voice. I still feel very shaken and numb, but I’m holding it together with the help of regular intervals of Klonopin.

 

I feel so lost sometimes. I want to be a doctor, but my other troubles make that seem a very far away goal. I want to be well. I want to be strong again. But my doctor told me that I’ll likely never be out of pain again–that the most I can hope for is "managable" pain levels. What use can I be, then?

 

But woe is me and all of that. I know things will find a way of working out, and that as I said above, even the smallest kindness is never small. 

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Yoyr blog is wrenching.  My heart goes out to you.  Since asking for help from people that are in the same room with you., gives you anxiety attacks,  Couldn’t you communicate with your army of doctors from seperate rooms using cell phones or laptops  so you did not have to see them.  They could use a one of those video cameras that you attach to your computer so they could see your expressions and stuff, nonverbal behavior ,to see you, so they could make evaluations without you seeing them.  As for the medications, when the lymes disease and Ehrilichosis is cleared up, they should reevaluate you medicinal needs.

     

    Hope the dire predictions about pain clear up with the lyme"s disease.  In the mean time, I wish you the best and will send you white light. 

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  2. buffster 12 years ago

    \..even the most outwardly “extroverted” public-eye personalities can be the most intensely private human beings in their personal lives so don’t believe theres anything too strange there..as for your “pain” being a hinderance to your professional goals..the surgeon who saved my life over 12 years ago was himself saved by a surgeon when he was a young man after having a bad traffic accident..this of course prompted him into a career in medicine & likewise gave him the empathy & understanding needed to be not only the best medical doctor I’ve ever seen but one’na finest people I’ve ever known..if you ever get a chance read the book “A Dose Of My Own Medicine” *the author’s name escapes me* which was made into a movie called creatively enuf “The Doctor”..I believe you’re see the significance after you do..best of luck dealing with your “obstacles”& be strong..\

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