Let’s start this off again. Today I had lunch with my grandparents and they’re the type of people who emotionally drain me. They remind me of a horrible time in my life. Today my grandmother told me my aunts and cousins never tried to welcome me into the family, and it was a shock to my system that it wasn’t all in my head. I asked why, and they got quiet. I already knew the answer, everyone hated my mom because she didn’t “smarten up” my father. As if she could stop him from snorting meth. As if she could fight back when he hit her.

Anyways, today just brought up a lot of feelings. In my hometown, a man was dead three days before anyone found him. My dad happens to live in the same Hostle with him, and I can imagine what kind of stuff is going through his head. It was probably an overdose, he’s probably scared it’s going to happen to him. Everyone has turned their back on him, including me. He can act innocent all he wants, he made his choices and I’m not sticking around to watch him kill himself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad. If I was sleeping in the same place as a dead man I would be pretty shaken up too. I’m confused as to why I care, but I guess it’s just the kind of person I am.

Speaking of the kind of person I am, yesterday I made out with someone I had just met. Well, that’s a little dramatic. I invited her over after texting for a few days. We both agreed we didn’t want anything serious, as she’s in an open relationship with a man and I just want physical contact. And I’m still in love with Beth, but that’s nothing new. We watched netflix and talked a lot. I told her I was shy and awkward when it came to kissing and “lesbian stuff” as she called it, but when she was packing up her bag she just kissed me. She leaned back right away and apologized, and I surprised myself by putting my forehead against her and we just made out. It felt natural to me, but I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I have no reason to, I’m seventeen years old and capable of making the decision to make out with someone. But I’ve never done anything like that before, be physical with someone I had no emotional ties to.

At least now I can say I’ve kissed a guy and a girl. And I will always choose girls.

My ex and I have been talking too much, but I guess we’re capable of being friends. I’m just going to love myself for now, and not get emotionally attached to a bi curious girl dating a dude.