For a couple of days now, maybe even weeks, I’ve been struggling to go to sleep now. It’s been officially over a year since I was sent to the Psychiatric Department at DHR. However, The reason I am writing this blog is because I can’t stop thinking that my previous life threatening illness has come back and evolved. I had a dream about a week or two ago that I was picturing my boyfriend’s parents and him talking to his therapist that he took edibles and he was annoyed at them. But when it was my turn to meet with the doctor, she told me my cancer had come back. After waking up from the horrible dream I couldn’t help wonder why it came to me that my cancer could possibly come back after almost exactly 10 years of remission.

Then today, I realized that the first time I thought my cancer was coming back was when I was sent to the psychiatric department at DHR which was over a year ago. I remember waking up crying that night and walking to talk to the night nurse. Honestly, I don’t remember much of what he told me but I do remember he wasn’t quite sure how I came down with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma. And now my thoughts are, “whats holding back the cancer cells to activate now”?

I’ve been very dizzy, feeling like vomiting, having random pain in joints, muscles, and body, and consistent headaches along with other symptoms. I don’t know if I’m just playing myself or if its actually come back. And to be honest I don’t know what to do or where to go to get checked. I’m definitely not going to my current family doctor because he diagnosed me with mumps the first time I had cancer. The plan at the moment is to call and see if I can schedule some appointment at the cancer clinic that currently does my yearly check-ups and if not I would go to my university’s health center. After that I’m not quite sure what else to do.

I feel tired but I can’t sleep. I keep feeling anxious because I don’t know if something is medically wrong with me. I take anti-depressants and anxiety pills but for a while now I don’t feel like they do much. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head and I really really don’t want to die. If I have cancer and there’s a chance I can beat it again then I’ll fight… alone. If I don’t have it, then I’d rather stay my miserable way and hope the days will move on faster. I’m not one to like much change but this year I can already tell it’s going to change drastically.