On a white board, in my closet, nestled away kept safe, there lies a simple little doodle, from my ex, it says "I love you" and it's dated almost 3 years ago to this day. I kept it safe, and I added a little fortune from a fortune cookie, and it says "All your dreams will come true"
This is all I have left of the little hopeful world I built in my head. Before accepting I was a cheater, and a liar, and a fool, before I let everything go to hell in my life, she was there, there was hope and I squandered it.
I can't stop beating myself up over it, and how can I? In my head she's perfect, in every single way. I know I can see her flaws, she's insecure and anxious and can get downright hotheaded, but those parts of her personality are things I love as well. And the sad thing is I know, that's it for me, I don't need to date anymore because I already found the one.
But it's gone, I broke and smashed that part of my life along with every opportunity in front of me to pieces. She gave me so many chances and I blew them all. And I didn't even realize just how messed up everything I was doing because in my head, when I was with her, I was always saying she wasn't enough. I wasn't patient enough, I didn't see the beauty in who she was because in my head it was always "You're not getting enough sex" (It was long distance how could I have) or "She's not sexy enough" but really I was a dumb young POS. How could I be so blind?
As it stands now she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, she's a constant thought even when she's not around and I love her with all my damn heart. I have no idea what to do about this. Firstly, she's taken, she will never date me, she's on the other side of the country, my family hates her and I hate me. I'm taken, by a girl who's super supportive but I'm not attracted to.
I'm lost, i'm messed up, there's no rule book. She told me something once "If there's something you want you should fight for it" and I just wonder "Was that directed at me?" but I know…she has her share of men in her life, she grew out of the crap I put her through, she's past that, she's better than to deal with my shit anymore.
I can't help but wonder though what to do, because it doesn't get better, the feeling just gets increased with time. It's like mental illness now, the therapist cant help me, my friends and family are at a loss.
I caused her so much pain, how could I ever blame her for not wanting me in her life? But at the same time I know that I love her, I'd do anything for her and anything to be close to her. I just wish, somehow I could pick my life up so that you see that maybe i'm not a bad guy, maybe even if I am a bad guy, at least i'm a bad guy trying to be a better person to make you proud.
I love her, sappy, sad, pathetic, effed up, whatever it is, that's what I feel.
You can't help what you feel. But I believe you're being too hard on yourself. ALL of us here made mistakes, especially when we were younger. You have lost her, but that's in the past, you should try and focus on your future, and show that you've learned from your mistakes.
I think, when we lose in love, we tend to see the past through rose colored glasses. In this reality everything is better than it really was. I suppose it is part of the mourning process. It is neither possible or good for you to try to retrieve the past. What is necessary is to heal from it and to learn from it. We do not come with an operating manual. Learning is a trial and error process. You need to learn a bit more about relationships from this event. You also need to learn more about yourself and how you really are and what makes you tick. This interim needs to be devoted to these issues. They will better prepare you for another relationship. I know you do not want to hear this,, because you are busy mourning your loss. This process is necessary also. Sso prepare to be sad for awhile. It is a good time for you to practice some self love. If you don't like youself, it is unlikely that anyone else will either. Do not be the first one in line to kick yourself, Wish you well on this sad journey.