I'm going to type in purple to create the illusion that this will be a somewhat positive entry. Doubt that'll work though… I don't really care if anyone reads this or not, I just need to vent and get some things off of my chest. I am open to suggestions or advice,however, if you should feel entitled to share… Anyways. It's probably best to start off by saying that I am pregnant, and am actually 3 days past my due date, so my hormones are off the wall as it is.. I know I suffer from depression, I've recieved years of therapy and counseling, and I was put on 100mg zoloft at the age of 16. Now I'm 21, and I stopped taking my meds when I found out I was pregnant, because I didn't want any health risks to my baby. All has been well except for the past month or so… I've been relapsing, and I know it. I'm terrifed of going back down the long tunnel where I've been before. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy who is unfortunately not the father.. The (sperm donor) decided he didn't want to be in my daughter's life at the very beginning of my pregnancy. Oh well, he's a piece of shit, and I could care less. Because my current boyfriend has an account on this site, I will refer to him as "Max" so I don't reveal his real name. Anyways, "Max" joined this site like a week ago for his own problems and was telling me alot of good things about it, hence I made an account. However, I wasn't expecting to see a blog from him describing how miserable he was here with me, and a few other choice things that I won't go into detail with. Basically, I'm hurt beyond reason. I knew he was down in the dumps so to speak, but I wasn't expecting this. Now because of some of the things he said, I feel worthless, unwanted, and just plain stupid. I confronted him about the blog, and he said he was just in a bad mood, needed to rant, and doesn't mean a word of it. But honestly, how am I supposed to believe him? He said some specific, hurtful things about me in this blog, and he now claims to not have meant them at all. I don't know what to think. I love him so much, way more than he knows, and I truly believe we're meant for eachother. But now it seems like all of that is turned upside down, and I don't know what to think. I'm scared because I'm about to have a baby (if she decides to come out lol), and I know that I don't need this added stress, considering I'm already battling my OWN depression and anxiety. I also don't want to end this relationship because of an internet blog.. But whenever I try to confront him about his feelings or try to get him to talk to me, he refuses. He won't talk to me, and completely shuts me out. Am I supposed to just let him be miserable, and in turn be miserable myself for being so helpless? Am I supposed to pester him until he talks? I just don't know anymore. In all honesty, I'm scared. Just downright terrified. I feel like my world is crashing down all around me. I haven't been able to work these past few weeks of my pregnancy, so I don't contribute financially. He hardly works (14 hours per week-nothis fault), and this month we're not going to be able to make rent. I'm praying that our landlord doesn't kick us out. If he does, I'll be homeless with a newborn. I don't want that for my daughter, nobody does. But I may not be able to help it. And the thing is, "Max" moved out of state for me, just to be with me(and I suspect other reasons), and I feel like I've dragged his life into the mud too. So basically, I feel responsible for my daughter's life going to shit, as well as my boyfriend's. How is that supposed to make me feel? I know it's nothing I did intentionally, but I still feel responsible. I don't know what to do. After I have this baby, I get 6 weeks before I return to work. I really want to go back so I can contribute financially, but I don't have a babysitter, nor do I have the money to pay for one. No matter how I look at it, I'm screwed. I've let my boyfriend down, I've let my daughter down, and I've let myself down. It's the ultimate shame, and I can't do anything about it. I want my daughter here more than anything, she is already my world. But I'm scared of how it's going to affect my already-crumbling relationship with "Max." Even in the best situations, having a new baby in the house is hard. Now what the hell is it in my situation? Impossible? "Max" said he'll be there for my daughter, but now I'm scared to allow that, since I honestly think he's about to leave me. Then what'll I do?! Everything is so hopeless, I'm so overwhelmed I literally can't breathe. I just don't know what to do….

1 Comment
  1. TracySomething 11 years ago

     I think you should just go with the flow. Look at life with a positive attitude. Hopefully things will get better. Soon things will all fall into place, and before you know it, you will be a happy mother with a amazing family. Look on the brighter side, and soon the sun will shine on you. <33 Best of luck hun! And congrats! 😀

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