The visitor has come again . She slipped in and made herself comfortable while I was overwhelmed with everything elsehappening in my life . She has unpackedher bags and apparently intends to stay awhile this time . I hate her, and hate myself for missing the signs of her reapperance . Now it will be a battle tooth and nail to uproot her and get her out the door .
I hate that she knows me so intimately , and invades my darkest places and fears and amplifies them . She preys on my misery , feeding off of it and growing fearsomely fast to epic proportions . She becomes part of me , disallowing me to see through my own eyes ~ and makes it that I see only what she wants me to see . She takes away any beauty I find around me , replaces my hope with apathy andleaves me feeling lost and pointless . She fills me with fatigue that saps any energy I have to dothe most simple things, which becomealmost insurmountablemountains . All I really want is sleep and isolation , silence and grieving . I wish it would allow me to cry to help me free myself from her iron grip , but no tears are there . They are buried so deep that they don't exist . This is my own private hell .
She has a name , but it does not matter . To give voice to her name gives her power , making her more real . Every one of us have her come in and stay awhile , but she's so cunning that we ignore the first signs of her approach . The signs are so small individually that we don't pay attention , like a single grain of sand on an otherwise smooth marble floor . But quickly she becomes a desert tsunami and we are smothered by all of the sands , mired in her clasp , unable to move because we're in too deep , unable to call for help because the barreness is too much to bear for long , and sucks the will to win out of us .
What has she done with my faith , my courage , my willpower to remove her ? I fear that she is becoming me , taking over who I actually am beneath her crushing weight . When I look in the mirror I am afraid , because I see her , not me . The light in my eyes has become a dimming candle , threatening to flicker out by the lightest breeze . I don't know how to fight back now , it's too involved and progressed to do this alone .
I haven't bathed in days , have been living in the same pajamas all day for days at a time , have been eating nothing but junk food and drinks , have no interest in spending time with my beloved animal friends or family . My thoughts are empty husks that blow around aimlessly in my mind . I cannot follow them , and it doesn't matter anyhow ~ they're pointless and uselessto me.
I have to find some inner reserve of strength somewhere that's hidden from her , and use it all at once and catch her off guard and reduce her , force her out ~ exorcise her . It's the only way .She is a vampire , a demon , a cruel enigma that will take my life away if she isn't stopped soon .
I feel almost nothing inside of me . There is nobody home here . Iwander lost in the rooms of my mind and heart , scared by all the things thathavebeen locked against me in my own body . I can't even physically ask for real help ~ the words won't come . I tried lastnight with my husband ; I managed toutter the whispered wordsthat "I'm not doing well Aaron" and pleaded with him throughmy gaze , hoping he could see . My plea went unanswered , unnoticed , expected to deal with it myself.
I am on my own this time .