The visitor has come again . She slipped in and made herself comfortable while I was overwhelmed with everything elsehappening in my life . She has unpackedher bags and apparently intends to stay awhile this time . I hate her, and hate myself for missing the signs of her reapperance . Now it will be a battle tooth and nail to uproot her and get her out the door .

I hate that she knows me so intimately , and invades my darkest places and fears and amplifies them . She preys on my misery , feeding off of it and growing fearsomely fast to epic proportions . She becomes part of me , disallowing me to see through my own eyes ~ and makes it that I see only what she wants me to see . She takes away any beauty I find around me , replaces my hope with apathy andleaves me feeling lost and pointless . She fills me with fatigue that saps any energy I have to dothe most simple things, which becomealmost insurmountablemountains . All I really want is sleep and isolation , silence and grieving . I wish it would allow me to cry to help me free myself from her iron grip , but no tears are there . They are buried so deep that they don't exist . This is my own private hell .

She has a name , but it does not matter . To give voice to her name gives her power , making her more real . Every one of us have her come in and stay awhile , but she's so cunning that we ignore the first signs of her approach . The signs are so small individually that we don't pay attention , like a single grain of sand on an otherwise smooth marble floor . But quickly she becomes a desert tsunami and we are smothered by all of the sands , mired in her clasp , unable to move because we're in too deep , unable to call for help because the barreness is too much to bear for long , and sucks the will to win out of us .

What has she done with my faith , my courage , my willpower to remove her ? I fear that she is becoming me , taking over who I actually am beneath her crushing weight . When I look in the mirror I am afraid , because I see her , not me . The light in my eyes has become a dimming candle , threatening to flicker out by the lightest breeze . I don't know how to fight back now , it's too involved and progressed to do this alone .

I haven't bathed in days , have been living in the same pajamas all day for days at a time , have been eating nothing but junk food and drinks , have no interest in spending time with my beloved animal friends or family . My thoughts are empty husks that blow around aimlessly in my mind . I cannot follow them , and it doesn't matter anyhow ~ they're pointless and uselessto me.

I have to find some inner reserve of strength somewhere that's hidden from her , and use it all at once and catch her off guard and reduce her , force her out ~ exorcise her . It's the only way .She is a vampire , a demon , a cruel enigma that will take my life away if she isn't stopped soon .

I feel almost nothing inside of me . There is nobody home here . Iwander lost in the rooms of my mind and heart , scared by all the things thathavebeen locked against me in my own body . I can't even physically ask for real help ~ the words won't come . I tried lastnight with my husband ; I managed toutter the whispered wordsthat "I'm not doing well Aaron" and pleaded with him throughmy gaze , hoping he could see . My plea went unanswered , unnoticed , expected to deal with it myself.

I am on my own this time .

2 Comments
  1. landscaper 10 years ago

    (((((Keya)))))…

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 10 years ago

     (((Key)))

    Is there one thing you could do tomorrow–something small–that would put you back on the path of self-ownership again?  Maybe making sure that you adequately hydrate yourself?  A shower?  A quick walk near the pond? Sometimes it really is that small act that reminds the core you that you're still there, fighting for her.  And water in all forms seems to help.

    Anyway, I am sorry you are having such a rough time.  You're such a kind and giving person.  I wish I could wave a wand over you and all of us here.  Alas, this damn depression still has stuff to teach us.

    xo,

    A.

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