When you look at me, what do you see? Every day, i look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I am still alive. After all the pain i have endured, all of the trauma i have been through. why am i still living? What is my purpose in life? I come from a rough background, but somehow I am not as cold as people who were cold to me. People have told me that karma is a bitch. A thing that come to bite you in the butt or to haunt you, I dont believe in that. Karma is a joke. If karma was real, then why hasnt the ones that made me feel worthless got their payback? Why hasnt vengeance been served? When i look at myself in the mirror, I see the visible and invisible scars on my body and inside that i have to live with day after day. They cut across my body, my mind, my soul…. When i look in the mirror, I see a sad and desolate young woman, who hovers between having a little hope and having no hope at all. Thinking of everything i have been through, i do not see why i should see something positive in the mirror. People have come up to me asking why i look sad more days than happy. Bipolar disorder is what the answer comes to. One of my many issues i have. No one is human if they dont have at least one mood swing every month. However, i have mood swings every day. Thats what makes me different or unique as my elders may say.Looking in the mirror makes me relaize how much insecurities i have about myself, and what I need to work on. There has been plenty of times that i wanted to literally break the mirror because it made me so angry knowing that I was weak. That i had insecuirites that i didnt know how to get rid of. I hated that feeling.. that new knowlledge i had obtained. Being so insecure makes me wonder how other people feel when they look in the mirror. Do they feel as insecure as i am? Are they confident and maybe even arrogant? I find myself growing jelaous of oithers strengths because i wish i had their life, their security within themselves, Unfortunately, i know that i will never have their life. So why am i jealous? When i look in the mirror, all i see is a bitter girl who hatess herself for everything she regrets doing, and all of the mistakes that she made. When i look in the mirror, i see a girl that lives an original, and doesnt die a copy . Thats what i see. Sometimes i like wjhat i see, and sometimes i dont. Does that make me feel low sometimes? Yes i admit it. But i will not break down again I refuse to

2 Comments
  1. Mcksnug 9 years ago

    Jamaicat, I feel as if you were describing my life, not yours. I know what you are going through somewhat. I am a bit older, I think, and I do believe in karma. Karma has a way of working out, maybe not now or later, but maybe when people meet their maker. I have been used and abused, but I know the people will have to answer to someone or something, so I don't have to worry about it. I keep going on with my life, even though I have had so much trauma, as you have, too. These people who have hurt you like to see you in pain. Don't let them! Every time someone hurts me or I remember something in my past, I think of that Elton John song, "I'm Still Standing," or the song by Tom Petty, "Won't Back Down." I have learned that I really don't care about what others think of me, and I think that just comes with age. I just take comfort by living my life the way I want to live it, and have no regrets. I do not care what other people think. This is your life, not theirs, so why would one allow anyone else to dictate how one should live or what one should do? I hope this is helpful. I hope that you will find peace within yourself, and just forget the rest. I know it will be hard. It is/was for me. Your last sentence tells me you are a fighter. Fight back.

    Mcksnug

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  2. RZA324 9 years ago

    I think even the ones who look so put together and confident are just better at hiding their true selves.  I also have been through a lot in my life.  Waiting around for Karma to happen to others who have wronged you doesn't help, your still giving them t hat power.  Empower yourself, become stronger from the regrets.  We all have regrets, I have enough to fill a whole room, but then again without them I would not be me.  There is a lesson for all of us both in good and bad and sometimes we just need to listen and not act.  It is easy to feel self pity, been their, sometimes still am.  I know its hard but thats what this is for.  We care, your a young beautiful strong woman, don't forget that.  Tell yourself everyday.  Challenged those automatic negative thoughts with positive self enhancing thinking.  If you don't love yourself how is anyone else going to!!!!!!!!!! I care, you need to care for yourself too………. Who made them right,,,,,,,,,they are more then likely fucked up in the head and are using you as a way to make themselves feel better.  Don't let them, concentrated on self and you will be okay. 

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