I wish I would have known that my life was going to contain drug abusing parents, abuse, moving all around, secrets, lies , living in trailors, my mom dying, my dad in and out and then permanently out of my life, my baby brother being a registered sex offended at 12years of age,struggling with alchohol drugs and sex myself and that I would STILL be fighting and trying to wake up from this nightmare, I would have ran the second I would walk.

where do I start….

Lets get my early childhood out of the way. these are my vivid memories. My Mom(mary), Sister(Darci), Brother(Ricky), and Father(Rick) all lived in a cute little duplex in Valdez Alaska. Life seemed perfect. My mom sister and I packed up to go to Anchorage for 2 days to o schol clothes shopping. the minute we left my dad packed as well to follow us there. Only problem was he left with my moms BFF never planning to return and left my brother with her kids. needless to say the next few months were hard. Untill my mom told us we would pack up and move to Anchorage to be back with my dad! If only knew what I was in for then.

the next year was good, that is untill my mom got into a nearly fatal car crash. She spent weeks in the hospital with bruising, broken ribs, and leg. Finally she was released. My dad never showed up to visit or bring her home. He was to upset about his car. So he punished her. He removed her walker from reach and let her soil herself and the bed all day everyday. He would ask her "how does it feel to have YOUR transporation taken from you?" Needless to say he was a heartless, emotionless, monster. Oh and not to mention while our mother was in the hospital my dad was at home(because he has never had a job, my mom has always worked herself to death to make it for us) shooting himself up with drugs and getting drunk. He would have his dealer come to our trailor while we kids were home. Once my mom was able to walk she called my sister while she was out shopping with my aunt and told us to each pack ONE bag, and to tell my dad we were going on a camping trip with my BFF whom lived up the street. So carefully we packed the things most important to us and headed out the door. Once my mom met up with us she told us we were leaving and the next thing I remember we were in Oregon. Although It did not last long before we were on our way BACK to Anchorage to meet back up with my dad.

What else could go wrong you ask? Well ALOT. we will skip over the pointless times my parents split due to drugs, money, and abuse and get to the most recent event.

I was away in seattle when I got a call that my mom was in the hospital and had suffered from a stroke FOUR days ago. Long story short my dad peaced out yet again. This time it hurt, things were looking promising for about a year. But I guess he could not deal with the stress…. so he looked my mom in the eye on her birthday morning and said he was leaving it was over, this time for real, he wanted no contact. He even had the balls to tell my brother and I we are not his children and to never contact him again. A couple months later we packed up and headed for Oregon.

Once in Oregon my mom ended up having to have open brain surgery. The surgery whent fine but as far as the recovery, My mom died. I no longer know who she is. a few months ago she told me what my dad did and said she wanted nothing more to do with my, why?, because I hurt my sisters feelings by telling her she was a slob.

Meanwhile while, after moving here we found up just how much damage my fatehr caused to my brother. First of all my brother means the world to me, hes my everything I would die 100x over for him. one day we found out that that sweet little innocent 12 year old boy was a monster created by my father. He had been sexualy abusing my grandmother while she slept(yes she was dead to the world when asleep). my mom had him arrested and they finally have him in a boys home. over the last year we have found out he has raped my cat and my exs dog, used photos of my sister and I to get off, and much much more. I dont know how, call me crazy but I still love him and am fighting to help him in everyway possible.ok well that about brings us up to date. Of course more has happened like my grandma dying before my brother could make amends, and my failed attemped to get through to my mom and the relationship my dadys currnetly in and so on. We would be here for days if I whent through it all.

Lets talk about me now. Right now I seem like a sucessfull women with everything going. I put myself though school, Im now a nurse in womens health, I have a new car, I got married to a wonderfull man, I have to amazing yorkies, And have a beautiful home. But the truth, Im still a reck and battle with all this everyday. Im on medications, cry myself to sleep, and some how always end up getting tied back up with my family. I struggle everyday and I have NO one to talk to. My husband hates my family and does not understand where it is I come from(he grew up with a silver spoon in hes mouth). I feel lalone and abandoned. Im just all together lost. Over the years, before meeting my husband I delt with everything through drugs partying, alchohol, and fucking anything that walked. It made me feel wanted and loved and not alone. But at the same time it made me feel ashamed and trashy so I gave it up. My hisband means the world to me and has change my life complelty, but I still feel alone. Oh did I mention im 19… I feel to young to have gone through all this. am i crazy? Please help? anyone?