I first want to thank the people who have welcomed me here. I appreciate that.

I don't really know how I feel today. Just blah!! I guess. Two days ago, my cousin's (the only one I am close with and her kids and grandkids) youngest daughter had a hysterectomy. Her surgery was at 9:30 am in another town about 30 minutes away. I do not do mornings well. I hurt so bad and just have trouble getting around. But I got there before she went back for surgery. I wasn't planning on staying that long but she was having so much pain and was crying that I ended up leaving at almost 6 pm. ugh! I was exhausted and hurting. Then yesterday I had to take the uncle (only immediate family I have left and that family of cousins are all I have left) to the dr. He is slow and smells horrible. I had to be on the phone with his home health agency and then I had trouble adding minutes to his phone. Seems like everything I do I a big ol' cluster f##$. Something that someone else does with no problem is a problem to me. But finally got that done then went over to see the cousin who had surgery and her mom. The younger cousin's two kids drive me insane (they do their grandma too, lol). But my anxiety was starting to get bad. The day she had surgery the kids were there and they did drive my insane and I even started bitching at them. I can't deal with that The more anxious I get the angrier I generally get. So anyway, the last couple days I have been more focused on other people (and why I haven't been here). So this am I just am blah. Now I have to run over to cousins house to check on her and her mom. Then the rest of the day and tomorrow, I am, let's say on-call for my 83 year old neighbor whose son has cancer and I think is dying but he is going up to KU Medical Center to see if they can do surgery. What gets me, I barely can think well enough to take care of myself, what the hell am I doing checking on other people???? This is raising my anxiety even as I type. What am I gonna do if something happens. Yes I used to be an RN but in the end I wasn't doing such a good job of that and now it's been almost eight years. I am about to freak out.

I need someone to help me. I don't think I should be helping other people. I feel so crazy. I hate myself. I feel broken and like I can never be fixed.