*sighs* My best possible friend has ended up finding this site and reading my blogs and has, of course forced me to stop cutting.

Normally I would say fuck her, but…it's her. I swear to god I was tempted to tell her I wouldn't stop…I don't want to stop. My cutting isn't even cutting, I don't see why she cares. It's not worth her time…

But she called me, and she went into a panic attack, screaming at me to stop, and when I finally said I would she screamed at me to stop lying…I knew that eventually someone would find out…I couldn't wear long sleeves all my life. I knew that they'd worry or panic or smother me with pity…but not her. That's all I was thinking when I heard her breathing start to accelerate. I don't think I've ever felt so guilty…and ANGRY. God I wanted to punch her in the face…how dare she use her attack to take away that one escape? But the more I thought about it, the more I felt grateful…

I'm fighting the urge to cut…especially since this morning.

My father called again, only this time I wasn't expecting it. He calls once a week, over the weekend. At least then I can expect it…that rage and unending sorrow….that pain from hearing his every word…hate from his ignorance of what he does to me….his eyes blind to the dark cloud that hovers around me after he calls…and how it disappears, ready to be awakened when I can no longer contain it inside myself. *laughs* He called and asked me, "Why do you think things are so awkward between us?" I was tempted to slap him straight across his face…How can he not see? Does he not understand? He wanted to talk about it…but how can people talk about everything I have to say over the phone?

Why can't he just disappear? Save me this dispair of being completely torn in half…I'd rather him just go far, far away from me…instead of pretending to be here when he's not…I don't know what to do any more…I just want to surrender to that black abyss I call my mind…


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