Mood…since it’s not listed there in the drop-down list…the word that comes to mind is “transitive.”

I hadn’t liked that song when I first heard it, when I was younger. Now I do. *SIGH* Within a minute of listening to that song, I could feel the ocean within me begin its storm, and my eyes begin to sting. Then the thoughts began…The kind of thoughts I’ve been trying to keep at bay for the last few days.

I am not who I want to be. Not close to it either. Where’s the musician in me? Where’s the photographer? Where’s the artist? I’m a stay-homer, always-tirer, slow get-doner, I-don’t-know shrugger, never-ending thinker, frequent insomniac, hide-and-cryer, cannot-smiler, want-to-run-awayer, ZOMBIE,…, constant unweller…Just an overall EXPERT apathetic moper. I think of places that I want to be, but am too tired to go there. I think of running like mad, the way I used to, a few years back, and feeling such release, but now I’m just always soo exhausted to go, or if I go, the battery in me ends up being almost empty. I want to do a lot of things, but I’m always too tired. Years and years of being this way, I cannot see how I can suddenly just pull away from all that I have become…all that I AM.

I’ve been trying really hard not to have thoughts like these, because the doctor I went to see told me to focus on things that make me happy and ignore the bad thoughts. I’ve been drinking the herbal mixture…I don’t know how that’s helping me. I have been feeling extra tired though…wondering if it’s supposed to have that effect on me, because I remember him saying that it’s to help relax me so that I don’t think so much. But funny how it is that I still have trouble falling asleep at nights. One night so bad that I couldn’t help but think about stuff…and you know what happens there. I actually haven’t really been thinking much about stuff, except the constant down feeling that’s so familiar. I guess I still have been thinking about all the things that I gotta get done. Just SO TIRED to be able to get them done!!! =( And a couple days back, when I noticed that I was feeling that old way that I feel about reading novels, back in the day when I could actually finish a novel in a day and sometimes read more than one novel a week, only to have it die on me because the guilt caught on. It occurred to me that night that perhaps that is why I am unable to like doing the things I used to like.

I want to see my friends (not my 2 old close friends), but I don’t want them to see me this way.

I try hard to avoid thinking this, but it’s finally really gotten to me today. I REALLY wonder what my future’s going to be like…

…No, nevermind. If it’s bad, I don’t want to know, so I’d rather not. :S


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