God, I need to turn off the news.  I just heard about a little boy who was mentally challenged – a foster child who was tied up and beaten to death by his guardian.  What a f@cking world…

At least Iran released that American journalist.  I didn’t expect that, honestly.  I thought she was screwed.

And, I hate it when I hear about people getting mauled by pet chimps.  It’s tragic for the people who get attacked, but it’s also horrendously heartbreaking that some beautiful animal has to die because some person tried to keep it in an unnatural environment.  Chimps are so powerful – anything that strong should never be anyone’s pet, but people are stupid, so, whatever…

F@ck this depressing crap…  I am shutting off the damn news, and turning on music.

"Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost"

Haha…  much better…  🙂

I am trying not to think about the things that make me crazy.

The things that rip my heart out…

The things that make me doubt myself… 

I try to tell myself – whatever happens, I’ll be okay.  It will get better.

But, God damn…

"Everybody knows the fight was fixed"

The things I’ve lost… 

and my f@cking living situation… 

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. 

"Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows"

Charlie told me, back when it all hit the fan, that it was over, but I’m still here.  And, he’s still here.

Since then, there’ve been no kisses…  and, we rarely say, "I love you."

Sometimes, I feel like we’re all just lost creatures, thrashing around in the dark.  Just feeling our way through the madness…

I guess, everyone wants to feel happy, loved, and safe.

"And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old black joes still pickin’ cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows"

I don’t know how to confront anything, or resolve anything, and I don’t know how to move on.  I don’t know what’s going to happen with anything.  I try not to think about what comes next.  I don’t know what it would look like, anyway.  If I tried to guess, I’d probably be way off.

Charlie was kind of cold with me when he left today.  I think he still worries that Quinn is in the apartment on weekends, when he’s at work, but of course, he isn’t.  I haven’t spoken to Quinn since the day it all hit the fan.  I don’t know if he still wants us, and doesn’t like the idea of another man, or if he just hates Quinn so much, that the thought of him, specifically, is troubling.  But, yeah…  it doesn’t matter, because Quinn is out of the picture. 

In general, I am trying not disrupt the delicate balance we have going on in the apartment, but…  I never know what’s in his head.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen.  I don’t want to look up long enough to figure it out.  

I just have to do whatever I have to do to take care of myself, and eventually…  things will come together the way they’re supposed to (whatever that means).

"And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows"

I know I’m not thinking straight.  That bothers me.  When do I trust myself?  How do I know when my behavior is off the wall, and when it isn’t?  Am I really in control?  Am I actually moving in a different direction, or does it all just look different than before, because I’m crazy?  Maybe, I’m really headed for the same brick wall I hit the last time… 

Am I really any f@cking different than I was the last time I tried this?  Or, the last time I made a number of horrendous decisions, and just fucking lost myself…  am I still destroying myself?  And, if I really have stopped doing that, can I really expect myself to keep it going?  I could seriously freak out, and collapse, at any time.

I’m such a head case.  I need medication.  Why won’t Charlie make the damn call to the insurance?  He knows better than anyone how much I need it.  He just keeps putting it off.  He needs to make that call, God damn it.

"And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of calvary
To the beach in Malibu

Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows"

I tried to call Quinn, a couple days ago. Don’t know why, really.  Of course he didn’t answer.  I didn’t even really think about it.  I was bored, and lonely, and I just dialed his number.  I didn’t even know I had it committed to memory.  I just dialed.  I don’t miss him the way I used to – I certainly never think back on any of the physical stuff with any fondness.  The way he’s abandoned me as a friend has left me pretty numb towards him.  I still have pangs of hurt over missing the friendship, sometimes, but for the most part, I stopped picking the scab, and the wound just isn’t fresh or raw, anymore.  Sometimes, we just have to get on with it, I guess.  Not to say it doesn’t hurt…  it’s just not the hole in my chest that it was when I first came to DT.  I am not going to try again.  I’m done with all that.  I think I have to be, for my sake. 

But, with some situations…  with some people…  it’s a little harder… and, a little messier…  so much so, that you can’t always see a path through it. 

"Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that youve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows youve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows"

You can’t imagine your life under this new set of circumstances, but you can’t go back… 

So you sort of coast along.  And, you do what you can…  to feel happy, and laugh…  or just hold it together.

I try not to fixate on what’s missing from my life.  I try not to think about what I’ve lost, or what I’m still losing.  I try not to think about how little sense my life makes.  I try to tell myself it will all be okay. 

I tell myself to hold on.  That it will all get better somehow…  that the drugs only make everything worse… 

I have some happiness in my life to hold onto.  And, I haven’t lost everything, yet.  We’ll see… 

I just need to stay calm.

And breathe…

calmly…

deeply…

slowly…

and relax.

I just need to hold on a little longer.  It will get easier.  I don’t have to understand anything, right now.  I just have to hold on… 

that’s all I have to be able to do, right now.  Just…  hold on.  It’ll get easier when I chat with Ace.  Always does… 

I just have to hold on. 

God, when we hate ourselves, failure seems so inevitable.  Maybe, that’s why it helps so much to see yourself through someone else’s eyes.  Kinder eyes, that don’t pick you apart for every flaw, or invent flaws that aren’t really there.  We’re so cruel to ourselves.

"Thats how it goes
And, everybody knows"  (Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows")