If I don’t write this message to myself, then it’s not going to go away.. here it goes.
Some of you are aware that my ex-bf decided to send me an email the other day asking if I had gotten drunk and prank called him.
I cut him out of my life over a year ago. I had a very difficult time getting over our break-up. I fell pretty hard for him and I don’t know why. I’m not sure how many of you are aware, but when you become "intimate" with someone, it does make it slightly more difficult to get over. Anyways, we tried to still remain friends afterwards b/c it’s someting we both wanted, however neither of us could let go of what happened, so it got messy. I knew the only way I could get past it was to cut him out completely, but I couldn’t do it. I had no choice but to break-up with him b/c I wasn’t going to allow his family to disown him just so he could be with me. I’m not that kind of person. What was worse, was that he wasn’t willing to fight for our relationship, so that’s when I knew I had made the right decision..
When I least expected it to happen, a new love found me. I took it slow at first, but quickly this new love transformed into something wonderful. However, there was a part of me that still couldn’t let go of the past, which caused me to let go of my new love…twice.
Why couldn’t I let go of him? Since day 1, he made me feel intimidated, he made me feel insecure, he didn’t respect me, he didn’t show his emotions, he made fun of me, and he took advantage of me. He didn’t enjoy the beauty of the simple things in life. Although he was what I had always wanted, he wasn’t what I needed or deserved. He had more demons to battle than I did. He was faithful, but I looked past certain behaviours I shouldn’t have b/c I wanted his love more than anything.
I regretted it, but I was unstable and it wasn’t fair to anyone. Eventually things beyond my control occured and I had to make some drastic decisions about my future. Thankfully my new love stuck around, and helped me redefine my definition of love, and gave me the strength to let go of my past to have the future I deserved.
Once I moved back home (away from my past) I found it much easier to breathe without extra baggage on my mind.
Even though I haven’t spoken or seen my first ex-bf in a few years, it is sad that the friendship that evolved in those 3 years we were together seems non-existent. WIth my recent ex, the friendship that evolved within an 11-month time span also seems non-existent. Those two men came into my life for certain reasons and the past now feels like death.
We sometimes wonder what they’re up to or what could have been, but then we realize the mistakes we made in the past, and attempt to avoid repeating the past. What good would come out of it anyway?
I am happy being myself and not trying to impress anyone. I am happy being in love and being loved. I am happy that I am not afraid anymore. I am happy that I have control. I am happy that I found love. I am happy that I found someone who loves me unconditonally. I am happy that my boyfriend and I have lived together, and come from the same hometown. I am happy that my boyfriend makes me smile everyday no matter how bad I’m feeling. I am happy that I am not the only one making an effort to be in a relationship. I am happy that my boyfriend and I have the same outlook on the future and that we want the same things. I am happy that I found happiness and true love. They say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince…