As I stated in About Me on my page, I have been living in a verbally and physically abusive situation. I’d been planning my suicide since September 2009. Through the following months I had skimmed off 60 Valium from my boyfriend’s prescription; he didn’t take them as prescribed and didn’t realize they were missing. I also had saved over 100 Trazodone prescribed to me which I had not been taking. I was waiting on the birth of my first grandchild, hoping that seeing her beautiful little face would give me a reason to live and the strength to pull myself up out of the overwhelming depression that had taken over my very soul.

On Wednesday, April 15, 2009, the guy (abuser) I lived with got into his Vodka; then started his verbal assault. Degrading me, attacking my self-esteem and zapping me of what little self-worth I had left. He had me so beaten down and convinced I was such a bad person; I was certain my granddaughter did not need a person like me in her life!  So when he finally stopped his tirade and went to bed, I gathered up my stash, I first took all the Valium and several Trazodones, when I realized I should send a note to my children and family (11:50 pm).My intentions were to take the remainder of the Trazodone after sending the e-mail, but evidently, I was so drowsy I forgot to take the rest. I climbed into the bed beside him…..my desire was to die in his arms, and he having to live the remainder of his live with the realization and guilt of what his continued abuse led me to do.

My youngest son found the note at 7:01am. EMTs were contacted and sent to my home. I do not remember any of this, but apparently when I came to, I looked at the guy I live with and my first words were “Awe F#%k it didn’t work!”

 My continuing recovery…..

 I was in ICU for several days. On April 17, 2009 my beautiful granddaughter was born.  The guilt I feel for the added worry, as well as my inability to be there with my oldest son on one of the most important days of his life, still eats at me. (He has forgiven me, but says he still doesn’t understand.)

After I was released from the hospital, I was sent to Second Seasons, a short term recovery facility. I received five days of love, care and encouragement of which I had not had in a very long time. I regained my self-worth, dignity, MY identity and I realized I was a great person.  The Rose I knew three years ago was returning. I did not have to live in this situation.

I have packed up all my belongings and moved out!!! And told him I was going to get as far the hell away from him as I could possibly get. It is going to be hard for a while as I am homeless and unemployed. I am shuffling between my mother’s, my sister’s and my father’s homes. I am suffering some anxiety as the doctor at Second Season changed my meds, and I am not sure they are working correctly or I’m just experiencing withdrawal from some of the meds he took me off. But I am feeling much better about myself. I am still on this earth for a reason!

 Rose

 
PS: I was able to see my little granddaughter this past Saturday and she is absolutely beautiful…..a definite reason for her Mimi to live!!!

3 Comments
  1. LJ 14 years ago

    Thank God you didnt succeed.  Your children and Grandchildren love you and need you. And you deserve to be with them. You are alive for a reason, perhaps it is that beautiful baby, what ever the reason, rejoice that you are here to be a part of her life. You are stronger than you know. Congratulations on getting away from the abusive situation you were in, that takes alot of courage. Take care

    LJ

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  2. BeOptimistic 14 years ago

    I am so glad this did not work out the way you originally intended.  I wish you continued strength, your story truly touched me.  Hugs, Patty

    Oh, and congratulations on the new granddaughter, what a joy!

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  3. sheilafoley3 14 years ago

    Rose, I”m so glad you are still with us.  You are very brave to have packed up and moved like you did.  Bet you”ll make a great Mimi too!

    Sheila

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