A rather unique father's day today…Again it has been a while since I made it back to the site. I wish getting back were a little easier, So much has taken place in the last 3 years and 2 months that I have been sober…11 days ago my momma passed away and that has left quite a void in my life, aside of my fulltime job I had spent the last 3 years taking care of her when she was diagnosed with alzheimers and more so the last 2 months when we found out she had stage 4 cancer. After taking LOA from the hospital so I could tend to her full time, she passed very quickly, though I can say I did everythign possible to make sure she was in no pain and kept very comfortable I still have that "feeling that I did not do enough…I was with her when she "left us" and now I need to come to terms with the last 46 years of my life and how much I will miss her…I did decide that I was going to "use" after she passed, I even went to the store and bought my "DOC" but I did not…In some odd way I feel that my "sobriety" is all I have left in life that I have not screwed up. I feel more lost than ever right now and just simply need some direction…Even though I have some "time" behind me I am well aware that I have been running my own program and as we all know that is not the wisest thing in the world…I just want to be ok, to feel ok, and to know IT IS GOING TO BE OK…because right now I am not sure it really is…I hurt for my Dad, and seeing the pain he feels after being with my mom for 54 years…after having 2 marriages of my own disolve, I am niot sure I can or want to go through that pain of loss again, especially after so many years. In my head I get this idea that its not ok for me to feel as sad as I do when she was not my wife, spouse, or whatever…and if others lives are moving forward should not mine? Should I have all of these feelings of Loss and Sorrow? Even as her alzheimers progressed she listened and was here for me…Maybe I am just being selfish that she is gone…Though yes I am aware she is much better off and in a way better place…Shrug…I just miss her…I work 7pm to 7am and I decided to take the night off and my kiddos are coming over in a bit, so on that note I will say bye for now…Thanks for listening