okay so my man called me today in a fine mood. happy for no reason. i was glad for him.
then he proceeded to tell me later i was not working the program right and blah blah blah. i need a new sponsor i need to hit up more meetings and i need to join AA and be an alocoholic.
some background on that: i can leave a half a glass of wine untouched with a fancy dinner. my man likes to remember that i drank with him. i hate drinking and drunks and always have. it makes me of think of whores, rapists, lechers, rape child molesters and peaodophilia.
i can't even stand the scent of alcohol breath. it stinks. i was abused by a drubk. m'kay?
have you heard of co-addicts? i drank my ass off even though i hated drinking. i tried to keep up with my man and his boys (who came first and even the sober ones come first to him now)
if you can't beat them join them AGH. I…i tried. it made me far more misereble than pot or xtc ever did.
my sponsor has like two jobs and eight kids. okay so she's busy/ she don't call back for days at a time. i don't go to meetings every day. i don't own a car and the transit system where i live ain't non existant but piss poor.
i have to walk home 2 miles every day when i take the bus, i have to get up at 5.45 am to get the bus OUT.
"you'd have walked 5 miles in the rain to get a bag of dope."
no bitch, that's a lie. i wouldn't have. i'd have waited until icould whine someone into bringing it me, or bummed a ride off of a neighbor for half the way. after the sun came out. don't tell me what the fuck i would or wouldn't do. breeder. fool. shut up.
oh and actually she's very sweet and down to earth, she just keeps telling me im not ready for even my FIRST step because i don't go to 7 meetings a week.
LOOK, if i was a sponsor…to me walking the fuck in a meeting implies a willingness to admit powerlessness. it's a big step.
"you're not serious about the program because you don't attend enough, why do you join your man in A/A meetings?"
I'm sick and tried of N/A versus A/A among these poeple. its like baptists versus catholics. same idea same aim different paths.
oh and my husband is pissed because i won't cave, jump up and get a new sponosr AND join A/A even though i hate fucking drunks. i had my phase of being a dsrunk but i was always more willie nelson than a drunk type. i liked to get high, drinking made me fight or cry and vomit or shit. okay.
if that weren't enough he said he couldn't be with me if i didn't work more on my sobriety.
i snapped and shouted at him. 'you would have had me pawn off all but my ass as an addict and now you're better as a recovering drunk? i never could do enough for you. we have the same amount of sobreity time which is barely two months and you want to tell me what to do?"
"they're only suggestions and I.."
"FUCK OFF! you're telling me what to do and how to do it and you barely know how to live yourself. i'm with family and your;e at a halfway house. your own FAMILY wouldn't take you back!"
'your'e an alcoholic"
'SHUT UP, I hated drinking and resented you for doing it. i was a spinless worm for putting up with it because i love and loved you. i will be GODDAMNED if i let you tell me how to work my own prgram, hypocrite! worry about yourself an i'm not gonna talk about my recoveryu with you anymore. how my meeting went or how many i hit up is now no longer any of your fucking business."
'your'e still too angry and.."
"shut the FUCK UP! i was all dulcet tones and sweetness until you calle dme up to talk shit on MY program and commit emotional blackmail. so you wanna be apart huh? thats news to me. why on't you just get a sugar momma to pay your bills and get you high or drunk, i'm sure thats what you really wanted and i think that's what you tried when we seperated in 2006."
my god, i'd like to slap his presumptuous preachy ass.
if that's not enough i've been getting drama at meetings. not EVERY meeting or else i'd look in the mirror and assume as the common denominator it was my fucking fault.
some bitch who claims to slept with my husband before i even kissed him keeps talking smack.
she's a major flake. she gets madder and madder still that i won't go home with her. YES, "that kind of way."
if she cannot have my husband again she wants me. its not a major issue but omfg, i never expected to catch so much flack for trying to get BETTER.
my god my god my god my godess.
write me, listen, help me.
love you
mel
www.myspace.com/melpaganlibran
wow thank you for reading. i will try to touch on what you said each and every one.
1.)"deddboy", you must have a knack for saying much in very few words. thank you very much my ex sponsor said the same thing. she dumped me (lawl) and i dumped her in the same convo. nothing personal she just has twelve irons in the fire i need a woman who has more time for me to talk to her. 🙂
2.) "dahlgren", thank you very much. your elephantine comment helps loads. i'm a speedreader and am learning to tame my raw honesty when i speak. I talk to people almost exactly as i write my writings. i'm only now realizing i've been very blunt with people and that can be too hurtful and we cannot take back words. i am touched to hear of your forgiveness and acceptance to your wife you must REALLY love her for better or for worse. I've been through a world of crap with my man and gave him a world of it as well. I am thinking about joining al-anon if that would be supportive and cool instead of alcoholics anonymous. i sledom had a drinking problem but i took turns having problems with lots of other substances. your writing is insightful and probably cathartic too, keep it up you do a damned good job gettin' your point across.
3.)"darkblade"…thank you for your input. it's nice to see that i am not the only part of a couple in recovery. that sounds silly but i've only seen ONE couple who regularly attends the N/A meetings together. i think it's best we attend together and some apart but thats a different subject. i think recovery manifests in differemnt ways for new comers. some were very sad and emotional like a man i know, others have been angry and foul mouthed to people such as I have been.
4.)"geetar," some of what you said reminds me of a quote somene told me that i thought was both funny and wise regarding recovery. it's like this: "okay so i thought myself into thinking and partying and those things made me sick. how i am supposed to think myself into getting well by thinking more thinking?"
i didn't mean to offend anyone by vilifying drunks. i've always been disgusted by hardcore drinkers i can't belive i married one, being so presumptuous as to think it was just a phase and it would go away on its own. I cannot say much about the situation that lead me to hate drunks except that any time i was abused it mainly had to do with alcohol. someone would get drunk and use me as a whipping post verbally or physically when i was a child into adulthood. whats both great and sad is that my mom and dad were neither one to blame. It came from siginifigant others of theirs or ex boyfriends. There are jolly drunks and harmless ones but my experience has shown those to be very few and far between. i dislike people on a certain kind of drug even more but my expereince with those people has been few and far between. ive had less time to make assumptions about the users of that drug. all in all i an only hope each one of them chooses to get better!
****
i think i've been expereinecing something akin to growing pains. some of the anger is leaving me little by little. i don't know what got into me and i don't think my sponsor liked me very well, i've a very cruel whorish mouth. i found her to be a bit snappy and loud for lack of a way to put it. i talk too much at times so i need a better listener yo. flat fuckin' out.
all in all i've found that in this program even people who cannot like me 24/7 seem to be very tolerant and forgiving…since i've only been clean a very little while they seem to think i'll evolve as i sober up. i dearly hope so.
thank you all very much for your input. writing and reading mean the world to me. 😀
I've gotten my first workbook and it helps to write longhand, i also have a clean/Sobriety journal.
one and all be Blest'!
with love,
mel