This might not make any sense but hey ho.
I've not had a bad day, not really, but emotionally I feel utterly crap and I'm not sure how to pick myself up from it. I was walking to work (which is a rare thing these days, i rarely get up on time to do that) anyway as I was walking I saw my most recent ex and then I felt sick and panicky, and I have no idea why – I was only with him for 3 weeks. I text my dad, told him I was cracking up, he replied no comment. I'm at a loss as what to do. Is it the ex I miss, or just the intimacy? I don't know anymore. But I do know that my feelings/issues have to be dealt with because otherwise I'm never going to have a proper relationship and that thought scares me.
For so long I have hidden behind men, booze and fags, anything that will provide me with an escape and I've done it again tonight, bought some wine that I wasn't meant to buy but I'm past the point of caring, I'm sick of thinking but I also know I NEED to sort my issues out, my insecurities, but I don't even know where to begin. I've got to learn to love myself but I haven't a clue how, how can I when in my own mind, even my own mum didn't love me.
I need to sort my life out, I need to "find myself" I need to stop letting my vulnerability harm relationships, in fact, I need to STOP been vulnerable because then I won't end up in these dead end relationships :/
I'm so sad, my heart aches and I know it has to be over with my ex – i'm too demanding etc and after just 3 weeks of "relationship" I shouldn't feel like that.
I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore.