i am so low. so very very low. i have had a low week day after day has dragged on until i am barely here. barely alive. so alone and so sad and so depressed and so wrong. i hate my life. i have accepted it. and i have now spread this onto someone who doesnt deserve it. I broke uo with my boyfriend a few weeks ago we had been together for almost 5 years i found mysel fno longer loving him and throught why keep going? I have tried to be his friend since then. Helped him look for a new job as he was outof his old one. talk to him every day trying to keep him going. supporting him with bits if cash when he ran out ignoring the fact that he kept forgetting and calling me sweetheart baby etc on the phone. then today he came to visit said he missed my company i warned him that i was in a weird mood and he came. we ate he stared at me continously i asked him to stop he kept going eventually we watched amovie bad choice was abotu a guy being dumped by his girl then seeing her all the time with another guy. in any case he then tried to kiss me and i stopped him and then i sat down and explained that i was happy to be friends and that was all and asked if he could handle that and he said he couldnt. he couldnt not be around me and imagineit beign more over andover he needed to know why i broke up what he did wrong i tried explainng it was me i lost th elove but he wasnt getting it. he left then and i found him crying in fornt of my elevator 6 mins later i talked him back inside and we talked agin he said he would have to not come close to wher i live not talk to me not have nay contact or he would act as thoughw e weere still together he could do otherwise he could be friends.
i cant explain how fucked up i feel i was so lonely toaday that i went to the shop and walked around just to be around human life and yet here i have man who is dying to be with me and i am pushing him away. i dont want him for love or sex just freidnship but he cant do that. i was so tempted just to have that normalicy back that occassional human connection.
i’m out of therapy now i cant afford it but i reall really need it ..sorry in tear now i must go. as always thanks for listening tribe