Earlier this week I went to this Student Association Banquet thing to recognize the student clubs to represent the anime club, along with four other members. Got a certificate and everything.
It was a much better experience than the movie showing. I really enjoyed it, and really felt like a part of the group, not left out at all. It helped that it was a much smaller group that I was with, just six of us at the table. I was actually included in the conversation, and didn't feel anxious or awkward at all.
But I do feel I held back a bit though. At my last meeting with my therapist she said that she thinks I lack self-confidence–which is true, and that when talking about myself I seem to have an apologetic air–which I realized is very true as well. She says that I'm a intelligent, unique person and have loads of good qualities which I should be proud of. I know this, but I always tend to hold back and downplay my strengths and best qualities. I think that while I think I'm a great person and don't dislike myself at all, I'm very stuck in my old habit of trying to avoid drawing any attention to myself, and I spend much more time worrying over my negative qualities than recognizing the positive ones.
Anyway, now that I'm getting over my anxiety and am feeling wonderful with my new friends that I'm growing closer to and am feeling less like an outcast, my new goal is to work on my lack of confidence in myself.
And I'm serious about getting back into school now. I'm picking a class to take during the summer semester. I don't know how it will go; lack of motivation seems like such a lame excuse, but I think it's my avoidant personality disorder that drives it. Avoiding life, avoiding moving further, avoiding anything that'll take me out of my comfort zone or the easy, care-free but pointless way of life I have now. I don't know.