the title says it all. i\'m struggling my ass off out here in cali, and (to be a broken record), everything has backfired, i\'m as depressed and scared as i have ever been(and i have been through hell).
there is just too much stress. i am just too depressed. there are too many obstacles. i barely even have the energy to type this blog. all i want to do is fullfill my dreams, support people when i can, and make my loved ones, myself, and my friends happy. but i just end up bringing people down by talkin about my depression, so i try to hide it, but it is nearly impossible to hide. sometimes i pull it off very well. (the hiding of my depression). but other times it just echoes in the sound of my hollow voice.
i think about killing myself everyday. i think about harming myself everyday. i would never kill myself(couldnt do that to my famiy, friends, loved ones, GF, and so on. but my life is miserable, a huge part of it is chemical. and i hope when and if i get my anti-d changed, that will help alot. but it took seven months just to get this appointment. how the hell have i been able to keep afloat when i have a gaping hole in my soul? idk.
what i do know is that life is fucking crazy right now. and the shit just keeps piling up. deeper and deeper. and i really don\'t know how much more i can take, with each new day, there is something else to devastate my thoughts. they are intrusive enough already. and i have all these things,(appointments, get togethers, and just everyday life, bills, grocery shopping, etc.) i truly dont know how i survive when like i said, i feel like dying. and certain things just keep piling on.
i feel as if i simply can\'t take anymore of what is asked of me. and just what i have to do. i am at a critical stage in my life . i was blessed with a second chance and i have to take advantage of it, but i don\'t know if i can. or i mean i will. but my ***Damn stomach hurts so bad every night from stress and depression, and the more i learn, the more i wish i was just ignorant. and blind to the facts. there\'s a fine line between paranoia/coincedences, and the truth.
this is getting insane, i never thought i could possibly feel this low. but i guess thats just how things go. everyday you learn something new, it dosent mean its a good thing.
these following words are the realest i have ever spoke/typed…if it wasnt for some key elements of my life, i would most likely be dead. i hate to say that but, come on life. i do what i have to and i work my ass off despite the hurt i deal with on a daily basis, so when do i reap any rewards? never? i always seem to help others, so why cant i help myself?
i wish that….i dont even wish anymore. i still have a glimer of hope, but its fading fast. who cares if i have noone to talk to, i mean i\'m just a worthless piece of shit right? if i think it, it must be true. or not. maybe i\'m just not noticing things and breathing enough.
i am drowning in dillusion and sorrow, i hope things are better tomorrow.