Today I woke up feeling very depressed and dark. I spent the morning just trying not to hyperventilate. After being at work and being busy, I started to get distracted from my thoughts enough that I started to feel normal again, at least for the most part. I got home and my roommate seemed to be in a good mood and wanted to go to the gym together. Lately it has seemed like he has been distant, which my mind always starts telling me that he is tired of being around me. I know it probably doesn’t have anything to do with me, but I have a habit of thinking that I am annoying and hard to be around. It was nice to have his good mood and actually wanting to be around me motivate me to be in a good mood. I have found that my mood can be completely influenced by the people around me. I had a really good time at the gym, actually feeling like I made some progress on my running and it felt really good to accomplish something. Now I am about to go to bed and I can already feel the darkness wanting to settle in again. I am terrified of the fact that I will probably wake up feeling like shit again wanting to avoid my roommate, just so I can feel like I am giving him a break from me. I don’t think he realizes, but he has become my best friend. He literally knows me better than anyone else in the world, but I think I am just another roommate to him. I wish I knew how to bring these thoughts up to him without feeling and sounding totally pathetic and needy. I just wan’t to know if I am actually important to someone, that someone might actually care about how I feel.
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I think the problem here is realising its YOU that makes you happy, You can’t rely on others to pick you up. If you explain all of this to your housemate it might scare him a little bit. Have you tried going to the gym alone ? learn to enjoy your own company.
Do you have feelings for your housemate because it sounds like you might. An the saying is true, to have someone love you, you have to love yourself. Find out what you like about yourself ask friends what they like about you an build from there. I suffered depression for 3yrs and eventually i had enough and decided to drag myself out of the hole. I still have off days but they are very few an far between.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think I do have feelings for my roommate. It’s just a crush, I know it would never work. I wouldn’t actually want it to. I wish I could tell my brain to stop thinking about him that way because I really value his friendship and I don’t want to end up screwing things up and losing that friendship. As far as learning to love myself, I am not sure how to even start to get there. My brain doesn’t let me think very positively about myself.