I apologise, this blog is probably going to seem all over the place. My thoughts are a mess that I have a hard time putting together. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on this site. I guess I was doing pretty good, I had my good and bad days. The past few months though, I’ve been struggling more. There is a little voice in the back of my mind that likes to make sure I feel awful about myself. I have major self worth issues because of this thing in the back of my head. Sometimes it’s pretty quiet and easy to ignore, while other times its like I can’t escape it, but it’s always there. Every good/happy thought or feeling I have is darkened by this thing in my head. I feel like it’s controlling my life at times. I also struggle with my sexuality. I am gay and I was raised in a community run by a religion that taught me that it was not okay to be gay. I spent years crying myself to sleep literally praying that I could just be normal. A few years ago I told my parents that I am gay, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. They just told me that I wasn’t and we haven’t spoken of it since. I feel like most if not all of my depression come from my sexuality. The guilt and shame I have felt my entire life over what I am. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere, even before I realized I was gay. I always felt that there was something different/wrong with me. I think my current lapse back into my depression comes from this same place. I am living with a roommate that knows and is okay with me being gay, but I feel like he’s being distant lately. It is probably just my imagination, but it’s what I always do. I make things about me, I let myself believe that people don’t really like me or that they get tired of being around me. I’ve done it my whole life and it causes me to feel extremely lonely and worthless. I know I should probably have talked to a doctor a long time ago, but I guess a part of me is too ashamed. I’ve never known how to talk about things or ask for help. Even though I know I really need help, I just keep things to myself and let everyone around me think I’m fine. Little do they know, I feel like I’m suffocating at times.

  1. nelle-k 6 years ago

    Hi. I just joined this site and I’m so happy I did. What you described at the end of your blog is exactly how I’ve always felt. I’m 43 and I’ve always felt like I can’t breathe and it’s hard for me to talk about it too. And, as well, I haven’t sought help. However, until I reach the point where I can get the help I need, I’m doing my research to try and understand what I’m going through every day. My goal is to take my experience with anxiety and turn it around. I’d like to be able to reach out to people who are going through the same thing. I made a decision six years ago to not let my anxiety control me anymore but the how has been a struggle. This is the first time I’ve joined a community where I can meet people who understand. One of the reasons it’s so hard for me to talk about it is because I have trouble finding the words; my thoughts are so scattered. I don’t know how to explain it to people who don’t understand.

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    • Author
      troubledboy 6 years ago

      This site can help so much, just knowing there are others that share your problems and fears makes the loneliness at least a little more bearable. Even just getting things that are on your mind out there for someone to see, it helps to know its not just locked in your head making you feel like you’re losing your mind.

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