I feel so upset tonight. Just talking about the bullying my brother went through – the beatings he (and I while we were at school together – he is 1 and a half yrs younger than me, and as I was older I had to defend him) took has really got to me. I've always felt very close to my brother, even though we have little in common and don't talk much. I was picked out as favourite (even though dad never valued my opinion and very often criticised my decisions) and he was treated as though he was a failure. I think I have mentioned that he may be slightly autistic. Dad sees that as a failing. My brother has to fight against himself every day to measure up to what he thinks dad wants, and he will always fall short. The way I talk sounds as though I hate my dad, but up until 4 years ago I idolised him. Four years ago all that fell away and I saw the damage he has wrought on everyone I love dearly. I honestly can't seem to make sense of the fact that I love him very dearly, but I know he is a bastard in many many ways. I feel disloyal for loving him so much, because he has hurt the rest of my family so much, and i feel angry with myself and guilty for loving him when I know he is in many ways a narcissistic abusive person.
I wore make-up today, thinking the counsellor could not make me cry lol. We sat in near silence for about 5 minutes and I thought ok if she isn't going to talk the worst I could do is tell her about recent events. My brother has been drinking very heavily and going awol for days. Thankfully he turned up safe, but this conversation was the catylist for the rest of the session.
Frankly I feel emotionally drained. I feel tired, and tearful, and I want to cuddle my brother and i want my fiance to be here with me cuddling me and letting me talk but he is in bed after a night playing computer games (which I am glad he did – he needs time out just as much as i do).
I said to the counsellor that I realise now how completely I was sold my father's dogma, and how honestly scary and disorientating it is to realise he is wrong is so so many ways. I often feel very lost. Everything I based my life on has dissolved. I want to make a complete psychological break, but I am honestly scared. I'm 30, and for 26 years I worshipped the ground my father walked on. And it has only really been the last year that I have faced up to his very very significant flaws. I wont stop loving him, and I will support him, but because he is dying. If he were well, I would probably wash my hands of him. And that would hurt, because I do love him.