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I wanted to drive the 1.5 hours this morning to go see the 🏀 game I bought a ticket online to go see, but I couldn’t stop worrying about how cold it is outside and all the mileage on my car.

I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to begin, and I don’t know what to do. Those…the words most prevalent in my head on a daily basis, from dusk to dawn, or whenever the hell it is I sleep, from the moment I rise whenever that will be on any given day, to the moment I “wheneverish” finally and thankfully go to sleep. (Thankfully because, other than the requsite dreams, it is only time brain shuts up and “I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know where to begin” is not dominating my mind.)

 

I hate winter. I hate January. I love you all who have to do battle like me. And we all do battle our assess off, do we not?Some days more so than others, but we battle all the same. Hang in there and stay strong, all of you wonderful good people that I love without even knowing. But I know your pain, and that\’s enough for me. We are all in this together, and we will all prevail.

Love, Todd

My christ,  just how many words IS 300 words? Ah! I see, the word count thing is working now! (It wasn’t functioning before apparently). Anyway, to sum it up, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know where to begin, many times over.

I think I need someone to come in and save me because am not so sure I can save myself and that one of these days if I keep staying alone and lost, I can’t be sure I won’t actually go through with swallowing the pills. And I don’t want to do that more than I do want to, I think. I don’t want to do that to my family despite occasional annoying thoughts they’d all be better off without me, and I still have hope buried way deep down there somewhere that I can somehow overcome this eventually, and thrive and live happily. But the weariness of the struggle after all these many years, and me being into my 40’s now…it’s hard not to feel beaten down by it on so many days, and on too many days, the thoughts of swallowing those pills are there.

In closing, once again, I will repeat what I meant to say in my original intended closing paragraph before I was told that I didn’t have the necessary 300 words to do so:

I hate winter. I hate January. I love you all who have to do battle like me. And we all do battle our assess off, do we not?Some days more so than others, but we battle all the same. Hang in there and stay strong, all of you wonderful good people that I love without even knowing. But I know your pain, and that\’s enough for me. We are all in this together, and we will all prevail.

Love, Todd

 

1 Comment
  1. delane1 3 years ago

    Todd, my friend, you are never alone. ***hugs***
    Those same hopeless thoughts visit me all the time, too. We may have different obstacles (reasons) for why we’re in this constantly sinking boat (or so it seems), but in the end, the smallest amount of hope can
    bring us outta the deep dark hole. So, we try a lil harder to hold onto that spark.
    Hang in there, and write, post, comment, etc. when you want to or/and need to. 🙂

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