So I survived the holidays… just barely but I did. Just before thanksgiving though I had a huge struggle with my health and have been on unemployment since june. Not to mention a surgery ,I’m still barley fully recovering from, from March of last year. I have other health issues that I’ve been dealing with that require surgery also but have been putting it off hoping it would get better with other treatment… and it hasn’t. So now I have decided to have this surgery which will probably take place withing a week or 2. I’m scared but have come to accept that this will he the best thing in the long run. I have been emotionally stretched to my limit with having to take care of my ex mother in law, my 14 yr old son with high functioning autism, my 22 yr old son who is over inconsiderate and can’t find other means to try and become more independent, and a boyfriend who claims to have my back but doesn’t where it really counts. See my bf who also suffers from ptsd and possibly other things is not understanding of my mental and health issues. He thinks I am worrying over nothing (which a lot of it might be but that’s part of the anxiety) my health issues mean I have given up on myself and is just dismissive when I try to explain where I’m coming from. He thinks I bring things on myself that I don’t have to and just cause myself more grief than needs to be. Of course he doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I have cut out a lot of things that were major stressors out of my life. My job was literally killing me inside. I left there cause I was having a breakdown. Luckily my boss approved my unemployment claim. Was the least he could do. (Long story) I have cut back on dealing with my family because they have a lot of drama that I just can’t deal with. It’s something that has been brewing for years now and finally came to a head recently. The only person I am worried about is my mom which is why I have a foot still in the drama. I am so over it though (also a long story). I also started school before thanksgiving because unemployment forced me too. I had a mental breakdown because I wasn’t ready. Luckily in the end it all worked out and am enjoying it. So there’s a good side to that. Now though with this impending surgery I hate that I’m gonna have to rake.a break from school when I just started and am also scared of the outcome of the surgery. I tend to play the worst case scenarios in my head and obsess over them. I hate it. My little one and his therapies keep me super busy as well. Things with my bf have been rocky for a long time now and it’s just getting old. I have been to preoccupied with other things to fully address it but I told him tonight that I’m hanging on by a thread. That if he doesn’t help me figure this out then we may as well end it now. He is a good guy and helps me out financially now. He is loving and stuff but not as much as I would like him to ve. It’s like we’re just roomates. I was in a marriage for 13 years that was the same and I am not about to do that again. The fact that he always has “an answer” to the problems I have is the most irritating thing. It’s so easy for him to say we’ll you can do this or not do this and make life easy on yourself. You’re a control freak but I don’t mean it in a negative way. Like fucking really? For once I just wish he would listen to me and try to understand that it isn’t always easy for me to let things go and relax. If it was then I wouldn’t be so fucked up. I am just at the point where I want to take my son and run away and life life just me and him. At least by ourselves we’d make more progress on things. Speaking of progress… there is my ex who is trying to fight the therapies we’re working on with my son. He doesn’t help.much at all. It’s really frustrating that I’ve had this fight with him throughout our whole marriage. That it’s not about us it’s about the kids. Or in this case my little one. He thinks therapy is an intrusion on his life and his lifestyle. Just a bunch of other bullshit cop outs. I am just feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. It’s bullshit and I need a vacation. Where I don’t have to answer to nobody and I don’t have to yell at anybody, or worry about having to take anyone here or there, I’m just done… calgon! Take me away!!
Listening to Depeche Mode Walking in my Shoes