Smoking a cigarette, listening to Jeff Tweedy, and occasionally sipping coffee that’s gotten cold…  sunlight spilling in through the window blinds…  blinds that need dusting…  my cat sleeps peacefully a few feet away (lucky bastard – he lives his life on easy street, haha).

I’ve been trying really hard…  sometimes it’s not as bad.  Like, right now, I don’t feel as shaky as I did, last night.  The nights are always the hardest.  That’s why Ace usually talks me through the late hours, when I would typically be scoring or using.  I know having a guy friend fill this role has potential pit falls, but he understands what I’m going through, and he’s been talking me through it.  He makes me promise, when we say goodbye, that I won’t use before we talk, again.  It sounds silly – (I know, I know) if I really wanted to get high, no promise will stop me.  But, it does help.  It actually helps a lot.  Because, at times, I get so raw, and I feel so bad, that I just don’t care anymore, for my own sake.  And, I can hardly motivate myself to try to protect someone who isn’t protecting me (meaning, it’s hard to hold back for Charlie’s sake, when he’s willing to derail me, so he can do what he wants to do – but, in fairness, there has been a little less of that behavior on his part).  What I’m getting at, is that with Ace helping me so much…  putting in all these hours, talking to me…  being there for me, and believing in me…  being hopeful, and encouraging me…  the thought of letting him down is soul crushing.  So, I hang onto that…  not wanting to let my friend down…  until my strength rebounds enough for me to start caring about me, again (usually late the followig morning – nights are the worst).  

Right now, I have things to do, but some of it is contingent on other people doing what they’re suppsed to do, and you know how that goes.  And, so I wait.  Freaking people…  once I take care of a few things here, I will go out, and explore the neighborhood in this seemingly good weather (haven’t poked my nose out the door, yet).  I will take my camera (my old digital – the newer one died, recently, and I haven’t replaced it, yet), grab some coffee, and adventure around Rogers Park.  I really love Chicago.

I am supposed to hang out with Jordan later.  He’s at a game tournament, right now (I love that my friends are so wonderfully dorky – I’ve always been pretty dork-ish in some ways.  I was like the babe of the chess team in high school, haha.  The guys were all like, OMG, OMG, THERE’S A GIRL, HERE!)

I am so craving something sweet.  Maybe, we’ll go to his job and get some brownies.  I will eat healthier, but I will not give up those brownies.  🙂

I do have a little happiness in my lfe, right now, and i am going to hang onto it with everything I’ve got, because this is the best chance I’ve had in years (possibly ever) to take my life back, and be free of that sh*t.  I can’t throw that away.  And, I can’t pick that poison up, again.  So, I just try to hold on to what I do have.  I hold it as tightly as I can…  and close my eyes…

and breathe.

Just breathe…




and, relax…

cause, it’s all gonna be okay.





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