So first, I've been having some annoying symptoms since I got home from the hospital monday, Here are some of them:
– Nausea (Zofran usually helps, but not this time)
– Chronic Diarrhea (medicine doesn't even help it, and it also feels like the air makes my stomach hurt…weird but it's how I feel)
– High fevers (It feels like my body is on fire)
– flushing (of the skin)
I know that some of these symptoms are from my surgery, (though, My surgery was 13 days ago, and it says recovery from side effects is 7-10 days…) but not all of these are, and it's just so annoying and draining me even more then below zero.
Any ideas? I'm so annoyed and I DON'T want to go back to the ER for any reason, y'know? So I haven't told anyone about what i'm feeling right now.
Also, the other thing I wanted to just get out is I'm finally going to write my letter to Ali (now that I don't have a ******** IV in my wrist) and it's adding to my anxiety and stress…But I feel I have to do this…
Even if she reads it or not…I have to send it…I don't want to back out of it this time. I still miss her so much though, I saw a picture of us (one I had been forced into) and I broke down crying.
I'm so hopeless when it comes to this, Mom said (while I was still in the hospital) to just let it go, get over Ali that she wasn't all this pain. But mom doesn't understand how much I trusted her, told her, and I feel betrayed and violated…
I'd do anything to get her back as my friend again, I don't have any friends really, y'know? I mean there's kim and maddie….but I feel like i'm also going to lose them because i'm such a freak…
I mean, Maddie has a boyfriend now, she's in drama and getting the lead roles (well, not right now since it's summer obviously) she's having such a great and fun time, she doesn't have to worry about the thing I worry about, I envy her.
I also envy Kim…It's true Kim also has GI problems so we share that in common, but yet she's not as fallen behind as I am, She's still hanging out with other friends, having a great time, she's even wearing some make-up now, and Maddie
They're so beautiful…and I'm just an ugly toad. I'm so lost about that, and it's just adding to my heartache. and I seriously don't need this on top of everything else.
Lastly (for this entry atleast) My mom is bugging us about going to get some 'summer' clothes now that i'm out of the hospital, But I hate going to crowded malls, I have panic attacks, Plus she wants me to get stuff like shorts and thank tops-
To wear in PUBLIC….I only wear long pants and shirts (or jackets) out in public, even if it's really hot out…I only wear clothes from hottopic, But I don't even want shorts or tank-tops or summer dresses- whatever
from there because I know i'll look SO ugly in them, I'm such a pig and I have a horrible body. Mom says I have amazing legs, she wants me to wear skirts- SKIRTS.
NO WAY IN HELL! why can't she understand i'm not a girly-girl? I have tattoo's, and piercings and I dress in black all the time, even if that's considered 'emo' idc, I feel safe in those dark clothes, Because I just want to fade into the side lines.
Plus I don't want people to see my self-harm marks, or start to notice the weight loss. Plus, another thing is mom wants to get me a new swimsuit…oh HELL no…I can not go into public in a swimsuit…not unless I have a huge shirt to cover it.
I don't like public swimming pools, or water parks because again I don't want to show my ugly, damaged body. whether it's with family or strangers I CAN'T do it (especially if that one cousin is around…I freak out)
So…That's bugging me, also one more thing-
In my last entry I had mentioned aunt carol and Uncle mark, Well I never like seeing family-as you know- but other then that one cousin that…you know…I also feel so awkward around Mark, I feel like he's staring at me whenever I do something,
Or sometimes he'll place his hand on my thigh and squeeze it, or I feel like he gets to close into my personal space, He just creeps me out, yet everyone else loves him, saying he's so funny and what not.
Am I over reacting? I don't know…Any thoughts?