My Life
Life has been tough, but hey I’m not complaining
So many nights my tears match the weather when it’s raining
Struggling through each day with lots of burdens on my back
The paranoia is strong because I’m scared of being attacked
Been taken by surprise when I thought that I was safe
And been lied to so many times it hurt like a slap across the face
Had a few friends and associates but always felt alone
No one knew the pain I endured and wouldn’t ever know
Since they had already judged me they didn’t try to see
Who I am, my inner self, and personality
Growing up, I had no rules except to not cry
When I was getting beat- you already know the reason why
I was taught crying is a weakness. So I learned to hold them in
So I learned to endure the pain as I got beat again and again
Was made to believe when I was young that I was cared about
I believed it all the way until I woke up with his hand over my mouth
He had said that he cared, understood, and would always be there for me
But it turned out it was all a lie when he took my virginity
Isolated myself every chance I got
All the pain and trials I thought would never stop
In the 6th grade I was molested by a guy
Didn’t know what was going on and tried my best to fight
Was forced to give head to the guy I thought that cared
When he pressed the gun against my head of course I was scared
A few days later he gave me an apology
And of course I forgave him because I had believed
That he was being honest, because I thought he was my friend
He promised that he would be there for me right until the end
But when he took my virginity, for weeks I didn’t speak
Wrote lot of depressing poems about death, pain, and grief
Suicidal thoughts led to attempts to end my life
Wanted for it all to be over because I was tired of trying to fight
Been in lots of placements but none of them really helped
Except for Riverside because it helped me change myself
I used to hate myself, and I felt extremely weak
Whenever I tried to strive for a goal, the mountain was too steep
Gave up hope a lot and went through lots of stages
Of depression, anger, claustrophobia, feeling locked up in cages
Some of the time I am excited to face the day ahead
But most of the time my first thought was I wish I were dead
Coped with all my emotions every day with poetry and music
No other coping skills have worked and mindfulness seemed stupid
My heart was cold and steely and still is in a way
I was a player and said the word “love” to manipulate
But now I am careful of what I say because I know I have
A tendency to hurt others and afterwards feel bad
Been beat with a belt, extension cord, and other things
Until I had welts across my back, which made me cold and mean
Hated everybody because I felt they didn’t care
About me or my predicament because they were not there
Seen things in my life that were very severe
Been so fuccn humiliated that I wanted to disappear
Try to make it through each everlasting trial
Don’t even know what happiness is because I haven’t felt it in a while
Love is for weak people searching for some light
I have been there, done that to find out it was just a lie
Wasn’t disappointed but it sorta crushed my heart
But that is what I get for not staying on guard
Missing all the good times; hating what was bad
Wishing that every time I get hurt I don’t get mad
Hoping every day that I can overcome
What my struggles are and not feel so fuccn dumb
When I think about forgiveness, it’s like saying I can fly
Wish I was never conceived because I want to die
They see I am depressed, but they do not show a sign
That they even give a darn- forreal that shyt is fine
Nothing can hurt me anymore, at least that’s what I hope
Nowadays, I have none of that, and find it hard to cope
Getting angry at the world and wanting to scream
Don’t believe in miracles because it’s just a dream
Who the fucc is “God” cuz he hasn’t showed his face
He didn’t show he cared at all, and that’s why I lost faith
Try my best to cling on to hope without breaking free
But what hope is there to cling to, cuz safety is what I need
Jump at sudden noises and people think I’m weird
Is it really unusual for people to have fears?
Do I want to push away the guy I truly like/love?
I don’t but maybe it’s what’s best cuz I can’t give enough
Love and support, cuz it doesn’t help that I have tons of things
That trouble me each day so I don’t want to be depressing
Shyt…im depressing myself cuz I cannot be optimistic
Believe me, I have tried but it is hard to maintain it
Hoping…no I’m going to say that I want to change
Myself, my life, my inner mind, the fact that I have been through pain
Felt like I was humiliated again for the hundredth time
Or more when I was raped again by a different guy
Lost in a maze of obstacles that were placed in my way
Not knowing how to move them and go on with my day
My life has been terrifying and I never want to relive it
Though I can try and forgive, I never will forget it.
