My Life

Life has been tough, but hey I’m not complaining

So many nights my tears match the weather when it’s raining

Struggling through each day with lots of burdens on my back

The paranoia is strong because I’m scared of being attacked

Been taken by surprise when I thought that I was safe

And been lied to so many times it hurt like a slap across the face

Had a few friends and associates but always felt alone

No one knew the pain I endured and wouldn’t ever know

Since they had already judged me they didn’t try to see

Who I am, my inner self, and personality

Growing up, I had no rules except to not cry

When I was getting beat- you already know the reason why

I was taught crying is a weakness. So I learned to hold them in

So I learned to endure the pain as I got beat again and again

Was made to believe when I was young that I was cared about

I believed it all the way until I woke up with his hand over my mouth

He had said that he cared, understood, and would always be there for me

But it turned out it was all a lie when he took my virginity

Isolated myself every chance I got

All the pain and trials I thought would never stop

In the 6th grade I was molested by a guy

Didn’t know what was going on and tried my best to fight

Was forced to give head to the guy I thought that cared

When he pressed the gun against my head of course I was scared

A few days later he gave me an apology

And of course I forgave him because I had believed

That he was being honest, because I thought he was my friend

He promised that he would be there for me right until the end

But when he took my virginity, for weeks I didn’t speak

Wrote lot of depressing poems about death, pain, and grief

Suicidal thoughts led to attempts to end my life

Wanted for it all to be over because I was tired of trying to fight

Been in lots of placements but none of them really helped

Except for Riverside because it helped me change myself

I used to hate myself, and I felt extremely weak

Whenever I tried to strive for a goal, the mountain was too steep

Gave up hope a lot and went through lots of stages

Of depression, anger, claustrophobia, feeling locked up in cages

Some of the time I am excited to face the day ahead

But most of the time my first thought was I wish I were dead

Coped with all my emotions every day with poetry and music

No other coping skills have worked and mindfulness seemed stupid

My heart was cold and steely and still is in a way

I was a player and said the word “love” to manipulate

But now I am careful of what I say because I know I have

A tendency to hurt others and afterwards feel bad

Been beat with a belt, extension cord, and other things

Until I had welts across my back, which made me cold and mean

Hated everybody because I felt they didn’t care

About me or my predicament because they were not there

Seen things in my life that were very severe

Been so fuccn humiliated that I wanted to disappear

Try to make it through each everlasting trial

Don’t even know what happiness is because I haven’t felt it in a while

Love is for weak people searching for some light

I have been there, done that to find out it was just a lie

Wasn’t disappointed but it sorta crushed my heart

But that is what I get for not staying on guard

Missing all the good times; hating what was bad

Wishing that every time I get hurt I don’t get mad

Hoping every day that I can overcome

What my struggles are and not feel so fuccn dumb

When I think about forgiveness, it’s like saying I can fly

Wish I was never conceived because I want to die

They see I am depressed, but they do not show a sign

That they even give a darn- forreal that shyt is fine

Nothing can hurt me anymore, at least that’s what I hope

Nowadays, I have none of that, and find it hard to cope

Getting angry at the world and wanting to scream

Don’t believe in miracles because it’s just a dream

Who the fucc is “God” cuz he hasn’t showed his face

He didn’t show he cared at all, and that’s why I lost faith

Try my best to cling on to hope without breaking free

But what hope is there to cling to, cuz safety is what I need

Jump at sudden noises and people think I’m weird

Is it really unusual for people to have fears?

Do I want to push away the guy I truly like/love?

I don’t but maybe it’s what’s best cuz I can’t give enough

Love and support, cuz it doesn’t help that I have tons of things

That trouble me each day so I don’t want to be depressing

Shyt…im depressing myself cuz I cannot be optimistic

Believe me, I have tried but it is hard to maintain it

Hoping…no I’m going to say that I want to change

Myself, my life, my inner mind, the fact that I have been through pain

Felt like I was humiliated again for the hundredth time

Or more when I was raped again by a different guy

Lost in a maze of obstacles that were placed in my way

Not knowing how to move them and go on with my day

My life has been terrifying and I never want to relive it

Though I can try and forgive, I never will forget it.

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