So, over the course of the last week I have been very contemplative. Mostly I have been trying to get myself out of the slump I am in but also trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. I couldn't stop thinking that I had screwed up majorly in life. Yes at 32 I have two wonderful, if not patience trying young children and a husband that loves me even if he doesn't seem to get me. But even those things seem far off and strained when I am at this level of depression.
But then I stopped for a moment. Why should those things not be enough? At least enough for now. So I began to rephrase my thoughts. Instead of "what am I doning wrong?" I began to ask myself "whatamI doing right?" Here's what I came up with:
– I have to wonderful, healthy, beautiful and very smart boys, whom I love and love me dearly.
– I have a husband that has stuck by my side for almost 10 years. He is my rock,my best friend and a wonderful father to our children.
– I have a job. Too many people aren't that lucky. Plus my boss is fantastic and she understands that life happes. She's just great.
– My health is decent. (Although I may have to have a minor surgery in the coming months.No biggie.)
– I try to take care of mysef, eating well and exercising. In this vein, over the last 3 1/2 years,I have lost 100lbs. Those areno small potatoes.
There are other things, more personal to me, that I do not wish to share online, but rest assured my list is much longer than that. My point is this: Even in my darkest hour I can still find some light. Although it has taken a bit to come around to it. Days even.
I don't even know when a depression will hit or how long it will stay, but from now on I will try to remember the good things and not dwell n the bad. Remember what I'm doing right. Remember what I am doing right. Remember!
What you wrote here is a form of a gratitude list. Gratitude lists work, as you have discovered. They also require an attitude adjustment; which you accomplished. Great! and congratulations.
It's kind of been fun adding to the list. A friend had suggested it. I've actually started to go a step further: On my way to work I won't turn on the radio. instead I enjoy the scilence and mentally list things I am most greatful for that day. I've come up with some awesomely long lists. It's refreshing and a great way to start one's day before work.