i joined this because although i love to do things, be with people who care about me and remind myself how fun life can be.. i am lonely even with im with my friends and family, i am sad even when im smiling, i am insecure and full an anxiety yet would never dare to show that side to the world. I want to be confident and happy. I want to make decisions and better myself and worry less. i want to be fearless and embrace life. I want to have meaningful relationships with my family and friends and now i feel as though i;ve lost everything that makes me who i am and what has previously always drawn people to me. I have a best friend but her life always seems so full and she is fearless and at times i feel like i need her to tell me everythings going to be okay but i have nothing to offer her or anyone anymore if i always feel so insecure and worthless. i think i lost myself when i went overseas and i did not know how to act or be and for the first time i was alone and forced to find myself but in realty i lost myself. (IM BABBLING AND THIS MAY NOT MAKE SENSE). i dated a boy who loved me for years before we dated, it was the best relationship and he was my best friend, the most passionate love i have ever felt. i feel so lost that i can not even be myself around him and i am pushing him away as well as everyone else in my life. i feel judged and insecure around my roommates and i feel so lost in my own apartment. my relationship with my dad has zero depth left to it and he has destroyed his relationship with my sister. my issuescan not be solved when i can never pin point whats wrong or face my fear of losing people. i used to be so sure of who i was and what i wanted to do with my life. now im lost and confused with noone in my life beside me to listen or help. i want to lose weight and feel like that would solve problems but i know i dont need to. i feel like i have the worst memory ever now and im worried im losing interest in people as i constantly worry about myself. i need to find myself in something i love but i cant even think of something im passionate enough about to throw myself into to figure everything out. i want to be the person i put on the act that i am because in the few moments i feel alive i feel so happy, but when the moment passes i turn back into the insecure worried soul that is not at peace with herself. i want to be needed i love to feel needed, my family doesnt need me, my friends dont need me, my boy doesnt need me, im not enough for anyone. i need to find a way to love myself before anyone of those people can love me again. i wish i knew how to do so, i cant throw myself into sports anymore, im too out of shape to run, i have no patience in my drawings anymore, im not doing well at school nor am i passionate about it, partyings fun but its never satisfying when i feel like if i wasnt at the party it wouldnt make a difference. i want answers and have no idea how to find them. i want therapy but also would rather do this for myself and on my own, i also dont want to be a loner while finding happiness with myself. my step sister and friend have both tried to commit suicide and preach to people about how they are in therapy and are so depressed and anxious but thats not me and when i hear them preaching these things the only thing that comes to mind is that i know how there feeling and i feel worse because i cant even admit it outloud to anyone. suicide? id never do it but i get scared because it crosses my mind and i get so scared like i have no control of my thoughts even though i know i never would want that EVER. my lack of family stability leaves me searching to be needed from friends and people i meet and how can i expect people to need me like im family when they arent actually my family. this is my first post so my mind is everywhere and im blurting out complaints because i get in moods where i dont know what i have anymore.