So. I made the decision this morning to stop tearing up my fingers. This is proving seriously easier said than done, particularly because it’s not like I have to go out of my way to do this thing, it’s not something I need specific tools or products for, I can easily just start messing with them with my other fingers, or nibbling at them with my teeth – which I keep catching myself doing every once in a while, and then I realise what I’m doing and I’m like no no stop bad Vrinda bad! But I am really going crazy from it, like the only way to stop myself is to just start pressing all over my body, like anywhere, I need the pressure, I guess, so I’m just here at work looking really strange, nervously, agitatedly pushing my head really hard, or my arms or like anywhere, stabbing my fingertips with my nails, etc. I mean, I think the thing that makes this particularly hard is that it’s BPD but it’s also Tourette’s. I’ve got the self-harming element to relieve tension, from BPD, but also I’ve read several places that self-harming is often a common feature of Tourette’s, it does feel like a tic, I mean…well relieving tension yeah I mean they’re the same thing really, same chemicals, so yeah okay I’ve managed to stop myself doing this before but never longer than like I don’t know, a month maybe, but I feel extra determined right now because I made a deal with someone that I would do it and it meant something important, that deal, so I’m going to stick with it, and anyway I mean my hands are always so screwed up it’s shameful, I really need to kick this, although the worry is that I’ll just end up replacing it with something else because let’s face it, I can’t not self-harm, I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t self-harming in some form or another. I never really thought of it before because I’ve never slit my wrists, I’m too terrified of blades and death to do such a thing – but no, self-harm comes in many forms, and yes that is definitely something I do, and it’s really bad, and I’ve recently started tearing up my scalp again as well, for the first time in months and months, and that makes me feel quite disappointed in myself, but…I don’t know, I just want to stop this thing about my fingers. I have been battling this for too long. At least I stopped biting my nails to the point of bleeding and severe pain for days, but I just replaced that with the tearing up of the skin, and well if I’m being honest (I really say that phrase too much ‘if I’m being honest’), I really do enjoy the feeling of biting into my own dead skin, something about the texture, I don’t know, so it’s hard to kick the habit…. [br][br] I’ve got recruitment agents calling me though, in response to my 33 job applications yesterday!!! YAYYYY!!!! So yeah, I feel very nervous but very good about that, because omg if I have to spend any longer at this current job, I will lose my mind, I am actually feeling sick from all the nerves inside due to the tension and stress put on me by how nasty my co-worker is to me half the time, and I just need to get the hell out, and I really am so sick of worrying about money, I’m applying for much higher salaries – like, I might end up being a higher rate tax payer. I have the ability to get a job that qualifies for that salary, and that is like music to my ears, like I’ve succeeded at something, I’ve won, I’ve won against my totally poor background…and yet, in this day and age, it isn’t really enough, it’s just scraping by. And what really upsets me is that, if we weren’t in debt, we’d actually be fine right now, it’s just the repaying of the debt that adds on more debt, it’s ridiculous, I’m so fed up with it, I’m not asking to be rich, just not to worry anymore, is that too much to ask? And anyway…I feel the possibility finally very close in view, and that makes me sooooo happy like omg so happy happy happy. [br][br] hey, random question btw, anyone else talk in their sleep?? I am really bad at it, and apparently I’ve been saying some very strange things, and I just wondered if anyone has ever got in trouble for things they’ve said in their sleep – I know that’s a strange thing to ask! But yeah…it’s on my mind…like, nothing I’ve ever said in my sleep has ever had any meaning whatsoever, so why should this thing?
thymeoperator, , OCD, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Career, Grief, Questions, Sleep Disorders, Stress, 0