i can't stand it when strangers, or anyone hits on you. The right type of people never do because i don't look/ act like how i feel (maybe i should?) Its annoying because they're guessing what your like in a few seconds and assume thats what you are. They will always be dissapointed if i start speaking, not that i have the confidence to anyway but that's one of the most horrible feeligns ever. When people think they will like you from your initial first impression but ALWAYS realise they don't. At the same time if they could be bothered to actually speak to me they would probably like me but people don't get to that level. I don't really have any surface levels for socialising. (again maybe i need to do that but in the past they never turned out to represent me). Anyway i just can't even look at them. I pretend to think theyre talking about someone else or pretend to ignore them cause i'm terrified of having to say something. Really, i normally always love the personality of the people who hit on me instantly but i'm not attracted to them i just really want to be friends with them but i'm totally socially clueless as to how to get that.

Also, another thing i've been ignoring is my fear of ageing. According to articles online you only get it when you reach adulthood because when your a child you just want to be older. Wrong. from when i was 6 years old i've had a fear of getting older. I remember on my 7th birthday, i was on my bed depressed and thinking about how i was getting years older and couldnt control it and it was one of the most frustrating things. At the time i knew i'd had the feeling before on my last birthday. I wished that i could stay aged 7 for the rest of my life because i diddn't want to be any older and i started obsessing about it and recounting my age and getting scared that i wasn't in control of it. I have always felt years behind everyone else. Sometimes it takes me years to re look at a way someone has behaved and be able to understand it.


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