Every decision i have ever made in my life has contributed to how i currently feel. I know for a fact that I have completely wasted, AT THE VERY LEAST, the past 2 years of my life. Frank is a major culprit in this.
I hate him. I hate how he speaks to me. Every word out of his fucking mouth makes my fucking skin crawl. I am completely repulsed by him physically and emotionally.
I want him out of my life and I want to die. He has destroyed me. He has left me completely jaded and yet fairly naive and clueless at the same time. I've never felt more certain about anything in my entire meaningless fucking life.
I suppose we have had a lot of good times in the past…. but were they actually good or did he just convince me to feel bliss at those times? I honestly have no fucking clue.
I just know that I hate myself and I hate the stupid naive self of my past for feeding so much on my own life-controlling insecurities, so much that I trusted this complete fucking asshole and basically gave my entire adult life to him thus far.
And now.. I have been wasted… for his benefit I suppose.
I really don't know but I am so burning fucking mad right now.
I am confused too because I have absolutely not a fucking soul in the world to talk to and I really cant afford a therapist.
Not to mention… I basically cyber-fucked the dude I met on chatroulette… and I had mixed feelings about it afterward but I cannot deny the ego-boost. But it's not the kind of thing that can actually improve my life because it's not a real relationship, it's just for fun.
I actually bought a webcam the other day because my computer doesn't have one and Frank had to go upstate for a gig for a couple of days so it was the perfect opportunity… so I was like, why not? Honestly I don't feel too wretched about it… in fact, I love that I have this thing on the side…. in fact, I think it's the one thing is my life that stops me from slitting my fucking wrists… it's the only thing that has made me genuinely smile for the past fucking month… I'm dead serious!
I don't know what to do with myself. What the fuck do I do about my life now??