It completely astounds me that no matter what I do, or how i feel, i always end up back in this f*cked up place. Emotionally that it. LIke I really thought I was starting to feel a bit better, then someone comes along and says something, and BAM. there goes everything. I've gone completly back into my safety shell. Back into not leaving the house for fear of comments. People staring at me. Saying nasty things. The terror of losing it in public alone is enough to keep me inside, in my room. But now.. i'm not even safe in here. My computer isn't safe anymore. People on the other side of the world can now hurt me. Is anywhere safe? is there a place in this world where it is completly safe. I don't think so. Cause no matter where I am.. I am there.. and I alone am my worst enemy, and I alone cause myself alot of pain.
I feel physically ill. I've not been able to eat all day, and when I did eat something, I threw up. I feel like i'm losing control, completly, and there is nothing stopping me. And i'm scared. LIke when your on one of those self spinning rides, and you spin faster and faster, until your so dizzy you can't walk in a straight line. You can see where you want to go, but the world looks all wavy, and moving. The closer you get to it, the further it looks. Like a rainbow. A rainbow thats grey and colourless.
I found myself alone in the house at one point. I went out to the lounge room and found a magazine. It had word puzzles and soduku; things like that. I was sitting on the floor, with the magazine on the coffee table. I tried doing the puzzles, but I ended up just doodeling on the page. I didn't even realise what I was doing.. just had that red pen in my hand and just.. drawing shapes. Next thing I know i'm banging my head on the coffee table. Over and over again. Then started crying.
I am totally and completely losing my mind.