I’m feeling good. It’s my second day on 30mgs.  My emotions aren’t so haywire, and I suppose this allows time for my thoughts to catch up.  My writing has flow – and this is no doubt due to the medication, but also to my scrapping of the citations.  When I’m not focused on others, I can think, I can be myself.  When I think about others I worry about how it will affect them or sometimes I get really self-conscious.  So even if I feel a certain way, I might submerge it so as to "reduce" conflict.  Of course, lest you learn more about yourself through your actions submerging these feelings doesn’t really work.  It just leaves you anxious.  The thing is sometimes I think I inadvertently worry to knock myself out so that I can wake up again and realize how glad I am just to be alive, just to have the chance to be me.  It’s almost as if I can only take so much compatibility before I feel something is wrong.  I guess I’m just not used to feeling this good when it comes from sources external to me.  It feels like the control has left as well as my image of myself as an independent person.  It feels like it’s not going to last.  And that’s the truth.  It’s not.  Life is variable.  It has it’s up’s and down’s, change is the only constant.  The part of life that probably makes it the scariest also make it the funnest.   Oh – excuse me, "funnest" is not a word.  Perhaps, "most fun" would work just as well.  I guess what I’m saying is that the part of life that is variable needs to be taken in a way that does not send you running to change, to move against, to defend or to protect. 

Kali

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