Hello my sweetest readers!
When I noticed the moon almost full, I looked up at it and said "Hello Queen, how are you tonight?" That reminded me that I am close to having to do another lunar review of my life.
I started my review by thinking of what I have done this month while driving home today. Next, I looked over the blog entries from this month to discover how I was emotionally.
I\'ve been happy, thankful, hopeful…but I have also been angry, lonely, hateful, spiteful, and even a bit of suicidal.
A few days ago all the crap I have been drowning in from work finally came to a head. My mood dropped and I had a desire to end it all. The desire was strong enough for me to know I had to take action against it. I went for a walk, figured out a plan, and have been making progress on it.
To let you know how deep in my brain this crap from work has been. I went out to see "The Expendables" on Saturday. It was like my body was in the theater but my mind was back at work. I just couldn\'t get into the movie, which is odd for me. My Anxiety spiked and I had to go to the back of the theater to do some breathing exercises and try to clear my mind. That worked out alright and I was able to return to my seat. Leaving the theater, I knew there was two things I must do. One is to make an appointment with my shrink, the other was to rock the boat at work. The stuff going on there is not isolated to me and someone has to risk their job to bring the activities into the light. People keep telling me "At least you have a job"…but what good is a job that keeps you up at night. A job where you have to decide in the morning "Kill myself" or "Go to work". I figure, a job like that…it\'s no great lost if I lose it. However, I am a fixer…I love to fix things. I might get fired, but I\'m going to drag these issues into the light and rock the boat before they have a chance to throw me overboard.
Now, back to the FM review…
Since the last FM, I have…
- Realized that my life is worth more than my job
- Enjoyed some very good summer days by grilling ribs on a "steek" last weekend and chilling out in the outside chairs.
- Opened the house up to air it out (usually, it is all closed up)
- Finished removing everything from my old car which needed to be removed.
- Delivered a lawn mower to a friends how (small items count too!)
- Kept my job (and returned to sanity…I think)
- Figured out that what is missing in my life is…a way to make a difference.
- Found and posted some AWESOME youtube vids to my blog 🙂
- Wrote a poem (Yes, where have all my friends gone…that is mine)
- Cut the grass
- Made an even bigger mess of my place…but my computer room is starting to take shape as a usable space again (after a summer of "paper storage")
- Tried to help my brother out with a computer issue he got himself into. I wasn\'t able too, but at least I did try.
- Got a hair cut, and scheduled another one.
- Figured out how to connect my computer to my TV. Now I can watch youtube videos on a larger screen. Granted, it\'s not a flat screen…but the older CRT tvs work good when youtube if full screen.
- Successfully spent 1 day "in the moment"
- Successfully identified my first dream before waking up. I thought it was odd there were no clocks around, so I tried to find something to read and it kept changing words. So, I knew I was in a dream. I woke up shortly after that…but dream identification is one step to lucid dreaming.
- Found a cool way to drive home, new route goes by lots of water. It\'s very nice in the time I drive by it with the sun going down and all. Not a route for winter with all the hills, but summertime it is great!
Alright, that is all I can think of right now for the "Hey, look what I did" list *grin*
Now, for the "That wasn\'t so great" list…
- Withdrawn from society and my friends (I am just realizing how much I have closed myself off as I am coming out the other side of it).
- Missed taking my dog in for her hair cut, she NEEDs one.
- Did not establish the "manditory day off" day (so I can get my sh*t done)…but it\'s coming soon…I hope.
- Got yelled at by my boss for following previous orders.
- Have not cleaned off my meditation area as I said I would in my previous FM post.
- Haven\'t recycled the extra hardware I have around here as I had planned.
I think that is all for that list, there is probably more but I\'m not going to dwell on that.
Now, what shall I say I WILL get done before the next FM…hmmm?
- Rock the boat at the highest point and lowest at the same time.
- Save up enough $ to get winter tires on the car…I have a feeling I\'m going to need them.
- Spend as much time as possible "In the moment"…that seems to be difficult for me, but do-able.
That seems like a good list.
Hey Future me…how did I do?