My heart is bleeding in a way that it feels so broken and bruised. It's K's night off tomorrow is his day off and I dont' have my phone. WHAT IF he texted me and wants to get together and I don't have my phone because I BROKE IT!! I can't see him anyway because of this horribly hideoushair cut. I have no hair left. Oh God, I am praying so hard all day today to make the pain subside. I've written almost a full story and usually my fiction writing helps me, but I'm still hurting. I want to check my phone but I can't because it's broken. Oh darling K are you asking to see me? I didn't see him all this month and already it's October. I doubt he wants to see me anyhow. And with his phone being the way it is, I always get the texts too late.
People, if you are hurting over an ex, I just want to hug you because I can't sympathize more with you. The pain is horrific. It can last years. I truly believe that there is that ONE person that we fall for that is the Love of Our Lives, but the cruel twist is that we are not always THEIR love.
I ate of course, no stopping the appetite. Before, when I got like this, I could barely get down 2 crackers. But today I ate 2 big meals. I am wondering with this ugly hair cut if I should even bother to get in shape. But the hair cut will grow out and it will take weeks for me to get in shape if I start to work out… so I can't use that as an excuse.
Oh my K… all I have is the memory of the 2 times I saw him over the summer. Rubbing his aching back as we watched movies. I didn't even watch the movie, I was looking at him the whole time. He had his eyes closed. He said I was making his back feel much better. I watched him and looked at him and wondered WHY I love him so very much… There are no answers. He is not any more spectacular than most men… he is just the one my heart desires so badly. He will tell a joke out of nowhere. Corny ones too. I wonder why I love him so much. But I do. And all my hopes of him realizing that I am the one for HIM have been dashed. How can I deal with that? I realize that the day he wakes up and finds that I am The One is not even going to happen!! It kills me. Kills me… And I look at my broken phone and cry. His many text messages captive in the little chip that will never work again. Oh God, I can't take it. I just need to make myself move on. I will get a new and better phone, fix my hair, I don't care if I have to spend my entire savings on a make over. I need to feel better. And I need to get in shape. Then maybe I will want to live again.