How silly is it to know that life is what you make of it, knowing that there is noone to blame for your misery but yourself, and knowing that you need to change if you want to make it any better but still doing the same shit?  the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…so why do I continue walking this same road?

I know that in order to be happy I need to stop hermiting in my house.  I hate it here, I feel like Im imprisoning myself for crimes not yet committed.  I know I need to go out and search for things to bring a smile to my face.  Maybe a friend, maybe a lover, maybe some music to dance to or a party or even just a joke.  And yet here I sit, pondering on what to say to get what I want.  Or at least what I think I want.  Its absolutely ignorant to think that I know what I need to do but cant find the way to do it.  I mean all you have to do is talk to people, remember that nothing is permanent, and its never to late to change and still I cant even do these simple things.  It would be nice if I can blame this on fear.  Truth is im not afraid, Im just not interested…but that may be a lie.  Im interested in having a better life.  Of being happy or at least content with where I am in the world.  Im just not interesting…I have nothing to share with the people i run into.  I have nothing to say but the negative things that run through my mind…and those are my burdens and mine alone…but am I really a better person for not troubling others.  Truth is Im probably exactly what I think of the world, a bad joke thats not even funny…a one liner lost with no context on an uninformed audience.

So thats where I am now.  Question is how do I make things better?  How can I improve my life?  What do I want?  I dont want to be this surly old man at the age of 23…I dont want to be this critical of myself or others…I dont want to sit here and waste away anymore…but these are the things I dont want.  The question is what DO I want?

these are the things I have to figure out…